Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Running Out of the Shadows


I have lived my life in shadows. Never the best at anything. I never qualified (in my mind) for second or third best either. The fact of the matter is that I was never considered the smartest or strongest or swiftest and handsome for that matter. The events of my life sort of fit into the background. My experience would not be the subject of books or movies. Hell, I often wondered if I made any impact on the people I met beyond the initial "hello".

Compound this by thirty-five years. I skated by in school. I was not athletically inclined. More of a life spectator than life participant. Most of my stories were retold tales of other peoples' adventures. Sure, I spent four months in Beijing. I have an interesting story behind meeting my wife. There are other moments worth mentioning. But nothing that really made even me stand back and say "wow".

I often wondered if I even mattered. Outside my little circle of family I was curious (concerned) about my impact on the world. A former supervisor had a saying about our individual worth in the workplace. Put your hand in a bucket of water then pull it out. If the water does not fill the space your hand occupied then you are not replaceable. Otherwise we are all interchangeable. Not an entirely true statement but I get the point. And my pleas for assistance in this career confirmed my own diminished self-value. Ask for help enough and the response (or lack of) is telling.

"Do I matter to you once we part ways?"

So I longed to matter. I yearned to end the invisibility. I want to be noticed. Not for ego. But for value. I believe that all anyone wants is to know that we matter. On some level we affect people in positive ways and have a lasting impact. Whether it is art, music, literature, business or sports the impact one makes can be monumental or sublime. I don't need a ticker-tape parade down Main Street. A simple "thank you for being you" is usually enough.

Running has shredded my invisibility. My training motivates people to get active. (So I'm told) My racing inspires people to set goals. (So I'm told) My writing encourages people to share their own stories full of triumph and tragedy.

Sometimes I wonder about my place in all this. Maybe I am "too out there". The crazy thing is that every time I ponder receding to the shadows for a breather something amazing happens before I am able to retreat. A new connection is formed. An intriguing opportunity arises. An awesome recognition is bestowed upon me. These moments remind me that people see me in a way that I recently that foreign.

My wife jokes that I ego is growing to an uncontrollable proportion. An running friend commented that "the genie is out of the bottle". I think it is simple that I no longer shrink into the shadows. I try to stay humble. Speak with me in person and you will see it. I am still shy in social situations. Public boasting is still not my thing.

My new visibility has amazing consequences. Old friends are taking up running. Strangers are becoming new friends. Opportunities to test my limits and shatter my boundaries are coming up fast. No one truly knows how this all affects me, but I am impacted.

I don't long to "hear" myself talk. I don't need to have my ego stroked. I don't care to amass a cult-like following. I do hope to hear that someone improved an aspect of their life due to my example. Inspiration often arrived out of the blue. Encouragement may come from unexpected places. The best statement I could hope to hear would be "I did this because you did it too."

I am tired of hiding. Tired of being unnoticed. Tired of being inconsequential. I am not tired of running though. I have so many miles to go and so many stories to live.

Or something like that... Running has brought amazing, caring, wonderful individuals into my life. And no one has asked anything of me other than to believe in them. To be honest and trusting and hopeful. To be a friend. I run to live.
 

I have a few stories to tell. Some are public. Some are private.  What I do know is that telling my story has helped heal the people involved. My story has comforted people, knowing they are not alone in their suffering or struggle.

Discovering my "visibility" is the cause of my smile today.

20 comments:

  1. This is YOU and is so powerful!

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  2. get me a sick bag !

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  3. if you have to tell people you don't have an ego, that usually indicates you have a VERY big ego.

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  4. self serving drivel. nauseating.

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  5. Oh you anonymous people. Life must be so sad for you. Great post. Like your honesty. Straight-talk is so rare these days.

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  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  7. If your gonna put negative feed back at least grow some balls and post who its from!

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  8. Thanks Logan for being you! You have definitely been a key factor for me to even consider running....it is not something I really thought I cared about...but with your suggestion to look into Chirunning I am inspired to give it a try! :)
    Don't let the anonymous ones get to you...seems like they read your entire post...so they must have had some interest. :)

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  9. All the best at Lumberjack 100. Forget the Sick Bag! The Trail works just as well : )

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  10. You "mattered" and "counted" before running brother. Running simply gave you an outlet to express it. Whether you have a big ego or not, the truth I see is that you remain humble.

    Go rock the lumberjack 100...looks like I'll be chasing you in New York!

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  11. What a great post Logan...your "visibility" has been such an inspiration to me. Forget about those Anonymous jerks.

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  12. I couldn't agree more about putting yourself out there. Sure there are some negative aspects to opening yourself up and becoming vulnerable to naysayers (like some of the comments above) but the positives FAR outweigh the negatives. Keep it up pal! You will go far if you stay true to yourself!

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  13. Great post! We can never have too many friends and I consider you a friend although we've never met in person (and may never). Running is the connection, but I enjoy your stories, your sharing, your hard work toward your goals. You're visible to your friends and you matter. You don't hide behind Anonymous and that takes courage. Keep up the good work!

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  14. This is by far the best thing you have written. I read somewhere when I first started writing that most people stop just before they hit the truth in their writing. This is the first time I have heard your deepest truth. That being said, no way people didn't think you were good looking even before you started running. Even then you were quite the cutie. I have seen those pictures. I like you better looks and personality now but just saying...

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  15. Amazing post, we all want to feel that we are valued nothing wrong with that! When I read your running accomplishments I get the feeling they are written by someone who is exhilirated and discovering what their body and mind is capable of, a pioneer of new frontiers he's never dared to tread before, and is so excited to see where he's going next. I do not get the sense that you have any ego at all, and thank you for being my friend and an inspiration!

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  16. Very nice Brother! You have been given so much, but life is delivered one day at a time, to ask for more would be selfish, but to not utilize everything you have been given would be shameful. You have talent, you have determination, you have meaning, and most importantly you have inspiration; use it, share it! Your words mean something to someone; they've meant something to me :)

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  17. Wonderful post! You are an inspiration to others. Keep it up!

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  18. Great post, Logan! Well stated.

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  19. Thanx for the post, Logan. Running has much to play in your "coming out". I'm following your lead and ditching the shirt on runs as the weather allows. But, then folks will see my tattoos not usually visible. Oh Gawd! Ha, I don't care. I'm me. And I love me. I leave you with a quote from Anton Krupicka: "Why I run is it's the most basic primal pure experience that I've been able to find in life...and it's something really compelling...sustaining about that. Racing or sponsorships and all that stuff, well, it's all nice...it's not why I run". Peace and Love! Ricky

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  20. I found your blog because of 3 Nonjoggers. It's one I'll bookmark and check back in with every once in awhile.

    Many of the statements you made in this post remind me of me in so many ways. Thanks for putting into words what I've felt for a very long time.

    Leslie

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