Treading on Butterflies

Butterflies have been constant companions of mine.  Not the cute yellow flutter bugs or the majestic Monarch, but rather the ones that hatch from cocoons deep in my stomach at just the moment I realize something may go horribly wrong.  The long walk to take a test for which I did not study.  The approach to ask a girl out on a date whom is out of my league.  Lining up for my first marathon with an uncertain ankle.  Peering over the precipice of a sheer granite face. (I realized this week I am not afraid of heights.  I am afraid of falling.  This perspective came to me when I considered why I dislike pull ups.  I am afraid of falling. Figure that one out.)

My butterflies swarm for numerous reasons.  Nerves.  Fear.  Uncertainty.  Anticipation of the unknown and all the perils that my twisted mind can imagine.  These feelings of dread or terror are usually borne of new love, loss of control at work, new and unprepared adventure or by simply moving outside one's comfort zone.

What does the presence of butterflies say about the sufferer?  How does the absence of said uneasiness also define someone?  Does a lack of butterflies bely an iron nerve, or boredom with the task at hand?

To me the nervousness and terror that accompany the swarm represents a fear of failure.  The dreaded "NO".  The unsurmountable obstacle.  The feeling of being "not good enough".  What I discovered is that by removing the opportunity to fail the butterflies are unable to take flight.

Am I advocating staying locked away and not trying to overcome my fears?  To the contrary, I am saying to examine what drives your fear and go the opposite direction.  Set your course to your own greatness.  Resolve that you will best that obstacle, but in your own way.  Smash through and scatter the butterflies to the winds.  If you cannot beat another runner, beat the clock.  If you are unable to go faster, go farther.  If you cannot go farther, at least go and drop any worries about how you look in the process.

When I first stepped into a 5k race ten months ago I was scared.  The first quarter mile was a nightmare.  My feet felt as if they belonged to another body.  I wondered whether I belonged in the front or whether I was more suited to the middle.  Maybe the back of the pack was more realistic.  I had no clue.

Was I fast enough?  Was I strong enough?  Hell, did I even look like a runner? (I hear these questions or self-criticisms online daily.  My thought - stuff it!  Get out there and do whatever you are capable of today.  Any result is one thousand percent better than what you could accomplish staying on the couch.)

I have a better idea of my capabilities now.  My nervousness has been supplanted by reassurance.  With each mile I feel more at home in my own skin.  With each run I feel more comfortable with my own sinew and bone.  And with each race I feel less afraid of what I was and more certain of what I am.  While butterflies once swarmed and flittered around my stomach they now tread under foot (or under VFF to be more precise).  Every step removes self-doubt.  Every stride puts distance between me and my insecurity.  My recent pacing may be due less to running from something but more to running toward something better.  Toward positive self-talk.  Toward appreciating my reflection in a mirror.  Toward breaking the  chains of self-restraint and achieving what I want or need in life.

I don't run to crush those loose butterflies under foot.  That would mean stomping through a run and stomping through life.  That leads to pain and discomfort both physical and emotional.  Rather I glide over those butterflies.  Hopping from one to another staying light and fluid so as not to kill them.  I may need the fretfulness to again remind me that some avenues are not worth exploring.  The swarm is a warning to stay clear of unnecessary dangers.

When I step out my door for a long run I am no longer anxious, except to get my legs churning.  When I step up to the starting line of a race I am no longer lost.  My only challenge is to be better than yesterday, in whatever way possible.

Do you hear the words coming out of my mouth???

Words have meaning.  Mention any topic in the current national political debate and you will see what I mean.  The audience will ascribe its own meaning or interpretation based upon the individual backgrounds or experiences of the audience members.  Once you say something you cannot take it back.  Once you type something anyone has opportunity to read and dissect and parse the words beyond their original intent. 

I am guilty of over analyzing some one's words.  I wrote a recent blog post about my jump to interpret another person's words to find greater meaning or context.  To be honest I did not ask the writer for clarification.  I made an assumption and ran with it.  I do not think I was far off the mark, but I have a different feeling on some of the remarks a few weeks later.

I'm at a different level of my training

The daily miler wrote of being at a different level of training than the "typical" DMer.  This may not be the huge insult I thought it was initially.  We all have different pursuits, motivations and goals.  It is rare to find two "athletes" with the same level of fitness, pace, desire, focus or determination.  And not everyone wants to run a marathon.  But we all want encouragement to keep trying.  My own wife has started running for fitness but has no desire (so she says) to run long or race.  I have to remember that "you" are not me.  Please understand that I am fine with that.  My training does not prevent me from acknowledging your effort or encouraging you along your path.

I have a lot on my plate - need to stay focused

Maybe not "a lot", but I have big goals for racing in 2011.  An online friend isn't big in public displays of resolutions or goal setting.  You can find my goals in print if you care to look but I'm not going to waste space here.  My point is that with time getting short I have to make some things happen.  I will share.  I enjoy taking people along for the ride.  If my posts motivate you or give you fuel for your own efforts then I am happy for you.  If my posts make you think I am showing off or being arrogant then either I have failed or you missed my point.  I have to accept that people will be turned off when they assume I have a "better than you" attitude.  My attitude is really grounded in the idea that I am not gifted.  I have no unique talents.  I have just made my way a little further down the road.

But this is what I hear from some people locked in their own struggles:

• I can't...
• My body won't let me...
• I'm not a...
• This is torture...

If you have said something above recently I'd like to know why.

I posted something last week to share how I feel when I run.  This has less to do with being fast than being joyful in the moment.  I really do not care what you do (just do something).  I really do not care how you do it (just do your best).  I really do not care how far or how fast you go (just do what you can however you can). The point of the video is to demonstrate how much joy and excitement running gives me.  I still struggle with pain.  I still struggle with fatigue.  I still combat emotional and mental demons.  But I am trying to transcend those demons to something better.

I cannot wait for race season to begin for me on February 5th.  Of course I look forward to competing and pursuing my limits of speed and endurance.  But what I am really anticipating is the opportunity to stand at the finish line and cheer on as many finishers as possible.  Now get out there and give me something to cheer!

The Face of Daily Mile

As seen on the daily mile community blog - Jan 18, 2011

When you look into the mirror what do you see?  The question is simple enough yet difficult to answer.

This question came to me as I discussed how to write this post with a friend today.  The subject of our chat was Daily Mile and why we “love” it so dearly.  We all have different reasons for using this website as evidenced by today’s #dailymission (Jan 12, 2011).  Some of the members use the site’s map feature.  Many of the members use the workout log to track all sorts of data including miles traveled and donuts “burned”.  While countless others, like me, use Daily Mile as a social network.  The connections created with other members and posts shared unrelated to exercise amongst us DMers give Daily Mile a life and energy I have not found anywhere else.  The friends I have here may not be “real” in the flesh-and-blood sense of my immediate family or people I encounter daily around town, but the population of Daily Mile is as real and true and open as any people I have ever met.

Someone asked me about the “faces” of Daily Mile. As if a blue ribbon committee were to chisel out the Mt Rushmore of Daily Mile who would make the cut? How do you decide from the thousands of people who populate this site? There are so many stories to consider. There are so many personalities to sift through and so many achievements great and small to recognize.

Picking one person would prove fruitless and probably cause more than a few arguments. Yet I think here is where the beauty of Daily Mile can be found. It has something for everyone, from the seasoned marathoner to the first-time jogger. Even walkers, swimmers, bikers and triathletes have a place here. All you need is a goal you find worthwhile, even if your goal is merely to get off the couch for 30 minutes.

I love how Daily Mile gives a voice to the masses. Each posted workout, note, photo or video is a window into someone's mind. Each post has the potential to reveal a fragment of the person. And these fragments may be pieced together to reveal a truly personal portrait. We present opportunities to laugh, cry, cheer, console, empathize and sit in awe of the human spirit.

Daily Mile is not about exercise alone.  And it has little to do with athletic achievement.  Whether Ben or Kelly realizes it, the mission of Daily Mile is to allow its members to discover themselves and to love themselves.  It enables each of us to see us as we are and to reveal the potential locked within.

After I wrote about my “Prediction Run” on New Year’s Day a reader commented on my blog.  She said that while I often remark on my old self-image as a turtle she sees her “future self”.  She sees in me someone full of confidence and enthusiasm and desire.  She wants to “be” that person.  Her comment reminded me that perspective is powerful.  How we want to see ourselves often sets our course.

The acknowledgement is that life is not always rosy or perfect. Not every run is the planned length or projected pace. Not every workout is pain free or effortless. “Real life” often creeps in and slows us down. Even I wonder at times if that next run means anything. Shouldn't I be doing something more productive with my time and energy? Running does not pay bills. Running does not cook dinner or sort the laundry or get the kids ready for school in the morning. What running does give me is a glimpse into my soul. It provides me with peace of mind no drug can replicate. It is more therapeutic than any session in counseling. Running is my safety valve.

You can succumb to the pressure and give up on your dreams or you can be epic in your goals and ambitions.

What my time on this site has revealed is there is no “face” of Daily Mile.  When I look in the mirror I see myself of course.  I see what I have become through my sweat and toil and efforts in the heat of summer and dead of winter.  I also see what I once was (and maybe still am in some recesses of my mind) and understand that this process is not a solitary one.  Daily Mile is not just about logging workouts or socializing with like-minded people from various points on a map.  It is about unlocking your potential and learning to love yourself. 

There is no single “voice” of Daily Mile.

The common thread of Daily Mile is HEART.

Heart cannot be measured in miles or pace times or race victories. Heart is measured by how much is given in setting and reaching otherwise impossible goals. Heart is measured by the ferocity of the fighter. And after this week there is no underestimating the fight within the Daily Miler.

We fall so that we learn to get up. We struggle so that we learn to overcome. We fail so that we learn to succeed.

I asked one of my dearest friends this afternoon what she sees when she looks in the mirror.  I wanted her to consider what part of her enables her to love herself.  There was no prodding or direction given on my part.  Her answer was that she loves how she does not give up pursuing what she wants; what she deems worthwhile. 

So when you look in the mirror do you see something worthwhile?  I ask because when I consider the face of Daily Mile, I see you.

At the end of the day my mama told me don't let no one break me.
At the end of the day nobody ever could stop me.
At the end of the day you can't regret it if you were trying.
At the end of the day I'm walking with the heart of a lion.

     -Kid Cudi, Heart of a Lion

what I feel when I run fast

Some of my friends on Daily Mile have commented on my enthusiasm toward running.  I must say that I do enjoy it, do not see it as suffering (unless the bitter wind blows) and enjoy pushing beyond my limits.

To give you an idea of what I feel when I run (especially when I chuck the planned pace and lean into it) I found this clip from one of my all time favorite movies.  It captures the joy I feel when I'm unencumbered by pain or injury or nagging distractions of the world.

Of course you don't have to match my speeds to get the same feeling.  Just be willing push a little harder.  Push a little farther.  And be brave.  You won't know your limits till you push against them.

you canNOT be serious!

Something smacked me across the face Sunday evening and left a bitter taste in my mouth.  We all have reasons for living our lives as we do.  Every person comes to daily mile for something different.  Each of us takes away something different to apply in life.  Whether it is one more mile run, a few seconds shaved off the PR, that last 5 pounds dropped, or to simply hear another voice express the thoughts in my own head.

• A person questioned the seriousness of Daily Mile.  The idea is that Daily Mile is not for "the serious athlete".  Who said Daily Mile has to be serious.  Or silly.  Or anything other than what you want it to be when you log in at that time.

• What you discover in exploring the posts of Daily Mile and fleshing out those relationships beyond the pages of the website is a plethora of emotion - joy, pain, suffering, elation, heartbreak, loss, rejuvenation and resurrection.

• Some friends have dealt with the loss of unborn children.

• More than a few friends have battled through serious injury to achieve amazing goals.

• A few are still sidelined by injury, dealing with the mental and emotional toll of not seeing the desired results.  Sometimes "wanting" is not enough.

• One is wading through the devastation of a crumbling relationship.

• Another runs in memory of a lost loved one, but sidelined by illness.

• At least one friend runs alone.  Without support of family.

• More than a few have made remarkable strides in health and weight loss, simply because.

• There is the amazing runner burned with Boston and another 4 months of running with a sliver of glass buried in her foot.

• Some run while struggling with unemployment, or work that is less than satisfying.  Devoid of meaning.

• A person saw the light leading to better health, only to loss her closest friend.

• A few struggle with being overwhelmed by life.  Work and family are all-consuming and little time is left for self.

• And I read several posts crying out over a loss of motivation.  You can be so close to something awesome, only to veer off the track and get lost.

If you recognize any of these people I ask you not mention their names in the comments.  Several people could fit into many of these examples and I would rather not call out someone publicly.  Some are public with their own stories (guilty as charged), or you may have had private conversations and know the details.  If so, send along a few words of encouragement.


The point of all this is to say that while Daily Mile may not be for "the serious athlete", it is a well of serious emotion.  We come for the smiles, the laughter, the tears.  The highs and lows.  The congratulations and the condolences.  Daily Mile is about living your best life possible.


But if you think Daily Mile is not serious enough, you may not understand what Daily Mile is truly about.


PS After reading comments posted to Daily Mile and directly to my blog I am overwhelmed by the passion exhibited by the readers.  Thank you taking time to read and respond.  Use that passion in your workout and no goal will be beyond your reach.  

2011 Goals in Motion

• 2800mi +/-
• 3 marathons 
• as many 5k, 10k & halves as possible within training schedules
• Summer Solstice night run (of my own making) - approximately 10 hrs, mileage TBD

• Speed goals 
• 5mi    30min 
• 9mi    60min   January 6, 2011 - training run, 9mi/ 57min 33 sec @ 6.24/mi pace
• 13.1   85min 
• 26.2   2.55.00
• BQ @ 3.15.00  February 19, 2011 - MB Marathon, 3hr 9min 20sec @ 7.14/mi pace
• NYCQ @ 2.55.00

• maintain nutritional goals
• continue and expand running blog.
• run like you stole my children.
• be moved to excellence everyday.

A Life Out of Balance

Balance.  Do we ever truly find balance in life?  The scales usually tip heavily to one side or the other.  Work life.  Finances.  Justice.  Romance.  Even life and death (In the course of history we're dead a lot longer than we are alive.  No balance there.)  Just as the pendulum swings side to side it is difficult to find and maintain any sort of middle ground.

Balance.  I have thought about "balance" a lot lately.  My wife has addressed "balance" with me in the last few days.  The balance between my "running" life and my life seems loaded overwhelmingly to the "running" side.

Balance.  I started running in college.  Long distance running for PE credit in my senior year.  I also ran occasionally in the ten years after graduation.  But I struggled to find the balance.  Work and family and general malaise conspired to apply the breaks to my activity.  It was physically painful.  The physical pain led to mental exhaustion.  And because of the pressures of "life" I usually retreated back to nothingness.

Wake.  Work.  Home.  Sleep.

I do not mean to say those years were wasted.  I married an incredibly beautiful and caring woman.  She is an amazing mother.  We have two daughters.  They are smarter and prettier and sweeter than anything I could possibly deserve.  I know every parent utters those words time to time, but I believe it.  Watching them grow and develop into their distinct personalities is a daily awakening to the mysteries of life.

Balance.  I have always struggled with balance.  The tendency is to slide along till something grabs hold of me, then go full bore till the need, desire, or novelty of the "thing" wears off.  Running was like that for ten or so years.  Something I needed to do for health.  I just never imagined the power or benefit for my mental health.

Before I took the running class in college my athletic life consisted of one year in Little League baseball, one summer morning of high school football practice and a couple of years of club rugby in college.  I love baseball as a spectator sport.  My limited hand-eye coordination prevented me from ever being a true athlete.  I participated in 3rd grade and also began wearing prescription glasses the same year.  Didn't help.

I thought football would be a great way to meet girls and talked a friend into going out to spring practice.  Those two weeks left me totally unprepared for what was to come the following July.  Spring football does not feature much running.

My first real practice started at 6pm on a Monday in July.  If you ever spend time along coastal south Georgia you know how humid the area can be.  The running was incessant.  I ran some in the months prior.  The head coach even worked with a few of us before classes the previous spring practicing technique.  But I was not ready physically or emotionally for running in pads.  The non-stop motion.  The unrelenting pace.

After I got home and cried from the exhaustion, I bagged up my gear and rode my bike to Coach Willis' house.  I knocked on his door and gave him the pads and helmet back.  I figured seeing him face-to-face was better that returning to the practice field and quitting in front of the team.  Tears streamed down my face as I rode home.

Club rugby was great fun with guys I truly enjoyed.  But it was more of a drinking club than athletic endeavor.  If you ever had opportunity to "shoot a boot" you know what I'm saying.

So for about thirty-six years my life was out of balance toward a sedentary life.

Balance.  When you life long enough the personality traits get set.  Expectations are established.  An unexpected life tends to unfold on the tragic side.  Marathon training became a way to shred the old unbalanced life.  Time to get moving.  Time to cease being still.  Time to cease being silent.  Time to stop hiding from myself and time to enjoy being "me".

It may appear that I am now living a life out of balance.  Too much running.  Too much time writing or talking or thinking about running and all things running.  I have an online community of running friends, people that may not know the full scope of my life, but that know the side I most enjoy developing and sharing.  And a few of these friends have been invited behind the curtain, exposed to more of me than most care to know.  But the trade off is that I have friends now beyond running.  I don't make friends easily and struggle to find common ground with strangers.  Running has opened doors of opportunity to friendship that I have rarely experienced.

Balance.  The concern is what level these new friendships rise to.  Some may think my home life will suffer because of my immersion in this running life.  I see the point.  I share things will runners that non-runners seldom understand.  That bond enables me to share deeper emotions and experiences beyond running.  The fear is that running and the running community with supplant my family and cause me to disassociate myself from wife and children.  Would not be first time a family was fractured due to a life seeking balance.

I don't see the unbalanced life in the now.  The past year is too small a sample set to look for balance.  I see the pendulum swinging for the past 37+ years.  I existed for so long as nothing, not active, without physical or emotional purpose.  Running provides the balance I need emotionally.  The sense of worth and purpose I have with running never surfaced in school or at work.  Despite injury or pain or disappointment, running has always been something to drive me to emotional heights no drug could induce.

Balance.  This new balance (depending on your perspective) has thrown my life sadly out of balance.  Through running and writing I have plumbed the depths of me, searching for what I am about.  I have discovered that I am capable of pushing myself to crazy distances and what for me are unreal speeds.  I have discovered I am capable of expressing raw emotion and an ability to bring a reader inside my head.  The payoff is the feedback from the reader, from the online community.

I have so much to say.  I have thoughts that need to be said out loud.  I feel that someone needs to hear what I have to say.  But there is a cost.  The exposure I is beyond my control.  Anyone can read this.  Of course it is my choice to write and post my thoughts.  Once I publish this post I lose the ability to control who reads it and how it is interpreted.  So you won't know everything.  I have to keep some things inside.  And that is part of the anguish.

Balance.  Life gets in the way so often.  The online community provides something that I do not have elsewhere.  If you don't run, maybe you read my words and aspire to run.  Maybe do not run as far or as fast but aspire to something more based on my example.  If I motivate one person to live a more balanced, active, fulfilled life then every word I write is worth the exposure.  The raw nerves are soothed by the positive feedback and growing friendships.

The renewed sadness comes from learning the cost at home.  Do you share with family the thoughts or emotions shared with runners.  Does your family get it?  Do they care?  Do they feel left out or jealous or envious of your time and thought given to this other circle of friends?

Balance.  The pain is from knowing I lived so long a life out of balance.  An unhealthy life without joy for myself.  No internal pleasure.  Nothing about me to love.  And I now suffer the knowledge that I have shut out people that need me more than ever.  People that may no longer understand me but need the person I have become.  A stronger me.  A more compassionate me.  A more confident me.

The realization is that I am now what I was meant to be.  A husband.  A father of two daughters.  I have figure out how this "me" fits into the life I built with my family and my job, and how "me" fits with the people I brought into my life.

And what I discovered is I need every single one of you.  Andria, my girls and my growing circle of friends.  Balance is like running.  Have to work at it every day.

New Years Day Prediction Run

Let me get the rant out of the way first.  I want to finish this post on as long a string of positive notes as possible.

Today's race was a "prediction run".  You predict you expected finishing time and try to finish as close to that time as possible.  Overall winners and age group awards are based on the variance from the prediction to the actual finish.  Example - if you predicted a 40 minute total time for the 5k and finished one second off you will probably be the winner.  This type of race rewards the runner most able to maintain a pace, not necessarily the fastest.  And the rule is that participants are prohibited from using any electronic timing devices - stopwatches, gps, mp3, cell phones, etc.  You "gotta feel it".

I was not a winner today.  My prediction was 44 seconds off of my actual time.  No overall or age group award for me.

You say "but Una, not everyone can be a winner.  Its a little arrogant to expect to winner or place in every race."

Sure.  I concede that point.  But, and its a big Sir Mix-a-Lot "baby got back" kind of but, I was the first finisher.  First.  Finisher.  Overall.

Let that one sink in.

The formerly pudgy turtle was the first finisher in a 5k race and collected no medal or official recognition.

But don't worry about it.  Cos now I'm gonna tell you why the past 48 hours have been the best of my running life and why this was my most enjoyable race every.  I don't need a medal to remember this day.

The runners assembled at the starting line.  Another fellow asked about my Five Fingers.  You can see me discussing the finer points of Five Fingers and Chi Running.  Like I have anything else to talk about.  lol  I heard the starter dishing out the pre-race instructions, excused myself to the front of the pack and set myself to get to work.

My prediction time was not really important to me.  My 5k PR is 18.31, set in October.  I ran a total of 30 miles yesterday and honestly knew that setting a new PR would be a tall order.  But I hoped.  I set my prediction at 18.31.

The starter's pistol fired and we were off.  I took the lead from the start and felt comfortable immediately.  Till the first turn.  The course was a triple loop around a lake at a local shopping center.  Restaurants and shops on one side.  Ballfields on the other.
The were no course markings and most of the course was easy to follow, but the first turn left the sidewalk and went across a footbridge.  I turned to the pack behind me and asked if this is where we turned.  Somebody said "don't know".  I took the turn anyway and led the way.

Immediately I was passed by a man and then a woman.  No worries though.  Still early.  The far side of the loop was hot and calm.  No wind to deal with.  But after the turn and return to the start/finish area there was a strong, cool headwind.  Not great but ok.

The woman fell away before the end of the first lap and I began to close ground on the lead male.  At this point I heard heavy footsteps behind me.  The pack was closing on me.

As we swept through the start/finish area I ditched my hat and shades.  Time to get aerodynamic.

I could see across the lake and realized the field was really spread out.  Didn't know if people were running hard or trying to run easy based upon predictions.  During the second lap I moved into the lead.  "The stomper" was still on my heels.

My effort felt really solid throughout, in spite of the "excessive" mileage yesterday.  And my spirits were high.  "Heart of a Lion" by Kid Cudi was playing in my head.  That song is also the inspiration for my current profile pic.  While in Disney's Animal Kingdom I learned that the male lion hangs at the house all day protecting the pride, while the females hunt.  Guess I was prowling my territory watching for danger.  Ready to strike.

As I approached the "bell lap" I dropped my shirt with my hat and shades.  Was getting really hot (warm.  mind out of the gutter people!) and needed to keep the focus sharp.  I noticed "the stomper" was no longer behind me.  Wasn't sure where he was but I kept my eyes forward.

Now this is where my personality and reason for being on daily mile came out.  As I passed the slower runners I called out "good job", "looking great", "keep going".  A few folks jumped off the sidewalk to clear the way.  Some called back with "way to go" or "man he's fast".  I gave a thumbs up whenever possible.  I want to push others to excel even in my own race.  I want you to have as much fun as I am.  Cos this is fun dammit!

At the final turn I could almost see the finish area.  I peeked back and saw "the stomper" 30 yards behind me.  "Keep the focus and keep the faith".  "This is your race to take."  "Don't slow down."  "Do.  Not.  Puke!"

19.14

First finisher.

The second runner was about 25 seconds behind.  I never felt so elated.  The nausea of the final stretch was immediately gone.

I then ran a cool down lap.  Runners still on the course recognized me and understood I was easing back and offered congratulations on a strong run.  After this loop I grabbed a bagel and stopped by the car for my phone.  When I got back to the loop I saw a 9 year old boy struggling along.  He was an overweight little boy and I saw much of myself in this kid.

I headed his way and asked if I could tag along.  He didn't talk much but did not tell this stranger to get lost.  I decided this would be a great opportunity to coach up the little guy.  It was his second race.  He alternated running and walking.  No pushing from me.  Just encouragement when he picked up the pace.  I talked about the importance of breathing.  How he could slow down the mental part of a race like an NFL quarterback just by controlling his breathing.  Slower breath rate means less anxiety and less wasted energy, thus a stronger finish and more enjoyable race.

I left the kid half way around and scooted over a second foot bridge to the assembly area to await the awards.  "The stomper" (I wish I could remember names) and an older fellow from from Rodchester Hills, MI both asked about my race and my Five Fingers.  When I told them I've only run a few years, this was my first top finish, and I still see "the turtle" they each gave me a look of disbelief.  But the older fella gave great advice, some much appreciated praise and small talk about the Boston, NYC and San Diego marathons.

I had a long talk with my wife this evening about my running and home life.  This race and the miles of the past few days is really big (duh!) for me in many ways.  Balance is elusive.  For as frustrating as business is (real estate), every time I get an email or comment about advice or questions or positive feedback I am on cloud nine.  I never imagined the success and connections possible when I took up running as a way to lose weight.  Every time one of you says "way to go" or "you are an inspiration" I carry a little bit my motivation and courage with me.  And I also carry a bit of those who can't run.  Caylee was with me today.  See Sara M.'s profile to learn about this beautiful child.  Today wasn't my fastest.  It was just my best.

Thank you all.  I hope to stay as humble and grounded as possible.  And thanks for accepting me as I am.  You are the true gift.

With A Little Help From My Friends...

As this year draws to a close I have to pause and reflect.  2010 has been a great year for me regarding my running.  I have put up incredible mileage, approached paces I only dreamed of previously, and won age group awards in races.  Let me repeat that - I WON age group AWARDS IN RACING!!!

And the biggest changes in my training came in the second half of this year.  My motivation is up.  The satisfaction I get from running is immeasurable.  And my confidence as a runner is limitless.  When I line up before a race I am certain I will finish strong.  I approach a 5k knowing I will get something.  My 10k time only needs a race to prove how strong I have become.  Marathons and ultras are frontiers I hope to explore for decades to come.

The great leap in my training can be directly attributed to my interaction with other runners.  You don't race in a field of one, so why train alone.  I'm sure some people fare better alone.  Running is not necessarily a team endeavor.  Reflecting on the past six months I realize that running with others instills a sense of competition and assertiveness that is growth inducing.

If you run with folks putting up big miles, you have to put up big miles.  If you run with folks putting up fast miles, you have to put up fast miles.  My only exposure to team sports were one year in Little League baseball and a few years of club rugby in college.  The group thing is a little intimidating.  So I feel I have to really show what I'm capable of to prove I belong.  To prove I am worth their time and camaraderie.

By pushing myself I have improved in so many areas.  While not always easy, the miles are getting easier.  While not always fast, the miles are getting faster.  And while not always smooth, the miles are starting to smooth out.  In fact tonight my form really felt "locked in".

But I owe this moment in time to so many people within my running community.  I have developed connections in Myrtle Beach that mean a great deal to me.  The miles logged with the North Myrtle Beach Running Group have meant more than any solo plan.  Those predawn Saturday runs gave me the idea and the confidence to volunteer as a pace runner for a half marathon.  This was in fact the first half marathon I ever entered.  The support, the jokes, and the technical advice have helped me greatly.  I even owe "The UnaRunner" to this cast of characters.

I also owe a debt of gratitude to the worldwide community of The Daily Mile.  If you ever need advice, motivation, support, or a good laugh you need to check this place out.  They even announced a "Secret Santa" initiative this week.  How cool is that.  What humbles me about the community within The Daily Mile is that I know so few of the "friends" personally.  The outpouring of well wishes when I perform is a huge boost to my confidence.  But the greatest gift is when I received so many words of encouragement and genuine concern.  This touched me beyond any thanks I could ever extend.

Growing up I never really "tried".  I hoped but never pursued.  Athletics were something to be watched.  Participation was not for me.  However, the last year has witnessed my evolution into an "athlete".  I see something of myself that did not previously exist.  And I know other people see something of me I never imagined would be discoverable.  Some of these friends have pointed out how and where I can continue to grow and develop so I may become the best runner possible.

My turn as running for friendship has knocked me for a loop.  I am astounded by the people seeking me out.  To know that people watch me is intimidating and pressure-packed and motivating.  But it is also odd.  Had these people seen me even a few years ago they may not have seen the potential?  How many of them would have looked twice?  The fact is that my past no longer matters.  The person I was no longer exists.  Some of you have learned personal things about me outside of running.  A few of you have shared private moments with me outside of running.  Some of you are becoming the brothers or sisters I never had.  These connections will be held in my heart forever.  And I owe it all to running.

So the next time someone asks what I do I will answer "I run".  And it has made all the difference.

Waiting for the snap-back

Runners often say that running is our drug of choice.  This activity provides many things, but first and foremost it is mood altering and personality enhancing.  Yet sometimes even a "good" run has no affect and brings no relief.

I struggled for years with self-image.  I have an overactive imagination and tend to read into situations and see things that do not exist.  There was even a time I sought professional help and chemical relief.  That's what a crap job with no support from management will do for you.

Thankfully running has given me something no doctor or prescription could ever provide.  Time to myself not in darkness and self-loathing but time in sunshine and self-development and the company of people who see the good in me and support me no matter the "issues" I am dealing with in my life.

That's why this past week was so difficult.

One thing I noticed as I have dealt with bouts of depression over the past seven years is that there is no trigger.  No moment or event that sparks the slide.  I just know that its coming and feel the world tilt beneath me.  My world has been pretty level for some time now.  But not so much in the last two weeks.

Two weekends ago I was feeling really dark.  No reason other than the usually stresses in life.  Money.  The approaching holidays.  Kids' schedules and fitting work into the cracks.  The only thing going well had been my running.  Then I developed a pain in my heel which required a visit to the doctor.  I don't like to mix running and doctors, but this one was cool and runs and did not preach.  The relief was immediate and my spirits was up.

I have made some solid friendships outside of running recently.  These folks are online buddies and are separated by miles and will probably never meet me in person, but already they feel like family.  And the best part is sharing aspects of life that need an unfiltered, unobtrusive, nonjudgmental view of a situation.  No agenda. Just questions and answers and hopes that things get better.

Each friend is having relationship issues and I tried to be the sounding board and ask the questions that each needed to ask.  Maybe hearing the questions and answers out load out provide a different perspective.  I know that my own thoughts sound different once they pass my ears.

Being a father put their issues in a perspective I had not anticipated.  Boys can handle themselves.  This is a man's world, as James Brown once sang.  But girls are different.  Tell them they "can't" and either they believe or take the challenge and try to prove the world wrong.  As the father of two girls I choose to tell them they can.  I told my oldest to set her own path.  Do what she wants in the world.  Make her own labels in life.  Do not become what somebody wants her to be if that label prevents her from being herself.

But this is getting off the point of the post I guess.  I've not adjusted well to the recent cold.  I ran a few nights after the kids went to bed.  The second night was awful.  My pace was fine, but the dark and cold and clothing I had to wear created a crushing claustrophobic effect that sunk me into the most depressive state I've felt in years.  Not suicidal, but it doesn't have to be that bad to be bad.

I unloaded on dailymile.com.  I wasn't looking for too much sympathy (ok, maybe I was).  It seemed a good play to turn because other outlets are like speaking with a stone wall.  My wife knew I wasn't right and we talked a little about it.  But I think I needed to hear the support of other runners.  She helped my through the worst of my depression, present for the breakdown in sunday school (that was such a bad day) and is my smile when I feel nothing.

I got tons of advice.  Don't know why.  I got tons of support.  Can't imagine why.  Read tons of kind words and even a few harsh yet necessary words.  Message received.  I knew I had to get out of the dark, literally and figuratively, and find my sunshine.

Before I took that next run I saw a dailymile challenge called "One Mile For Miranda".  She was little girl, not sure of the age, who died this week.  A challenge was created to run a single mile in her memory.  You know about me and dedicating runs to others.

I set out in the middle of the day.  I was still cold, but not so cold as the previous night.  The sky of clear and the wind was slight.  And I set a fast pace.  I thought again of my friends and their issues.  I thought of my family and our issues.  I kept coming back to my form and how I was feeling physically and emotionally and could feel the break coming.

I realized in this run that mental illness in less extreme cases is like jumping with a bungee cord.  Stretch it too tight and the cord snaps and you don't walk away.  Hang on and stay loose and just maybe the you'll get a bounce back and return to vantage point where you started.  Just get back up.

My GPS chirps at each completed mile.  As I returned home Mr. Garmin told me I had one mile to go.  And my thoughts returned to Miranda.  A little girl I'll never know and would have never heard of were it not for dailymile.  As if by a "higher power" my legs went of a pace reserved for speed work.  I knew I was running hard and found an unbridled joy in taking flight with this newest angel.  And with a half mile left in the run I nearly broke down and sobbed.  There was a convulsive spasm in my chest.  The kind you get in some great tragedy in life.  But I was not sad.  I was happy.  And for no real reason.  I'm not given to pray or church these days, but I do get the power of shared human experience.  Maybe sharing in the passing of Miranda's life kicked my brain into thinking I am not in such a bad place.  Doesn't work for everyone, but it may have worked for me.

Not really sure what the thread to this post is.  Probably just random thoughts and a deeper view into my brain that most of you could do without.  But I also like to thing that a glimpse into my mind will tell someone they are not alone, not so different from other people.  Whether you care to share or not, know I'm with you in the struggle.

Dailymile asked this week what its members would do if the website crashed.  I know I would still run.  I would still run with local folks.  I would still "talk" with running friends I have outside dailymile.  But something would be lost.  I like to think the Mirandas' of the world need places like dailymile.  To work their magic on people like me.

Thanks.

Live for today.  Run for tomorrow.

The Other Meaning of Dedication

Ok, I'm gonna be totally honest and if that's not cool then please stop reading now. This is me as Logan and not The UnaRunner so I hope y'all understand. And I'll try to keep it short to not waste anyone's time or bore you beyond tears.

I do not believe in God but do believe in the power of prayer. Knowing you are the intense focus of another person's positive thoughts is a powerful feeling. Whether a being intercedes and corrects problems that solicit the prayers is another subject.

I do think there is something to releasing positive energy into the world to share with others. A college friend suffered a heart attack from some sort of viral or bacterial infection over the summer. Freak occurrence. Over the following weeks I dedicated several runs to his healing. My release of energy to his gathering of energy for healing (go ahead and laugh). I recent spoke with his wife, another alum, who said he is doing well and working again and being the husband and dad his family needs. Maybe there is something to this...

I sometimes run for a friend who died running. Not long after we moved to Murrells Inlet.  Our oldest daughters were born the same summer. Heart attack. No ID. Wife found out he passed while calling hospitals hoping he may be in the ER with an injury. Two kids left with memories. One son with no memory, except in photos. And a widow who struggles but needs to do something to get in good health for these children. But I sense she fears leaving them the same way their father did. Taken too soon and with no good-bye...

This Thanksgiving marked twenty years since my maternal grandmother's last.  We always spent Thanksgiving with that side of the family as Christmas.  So this was our last Christmas.  And it was the last time I saw her outside of a hospital, other than the funeral home... Needless to say there have been a lot of tough memories for my mom this past week.  So I'll add a few more names to the list, for comfort and rest.


The point of dedicating runs and miles to others is not for self-gratification or self-fulfillment.  It is just a way for me to remember and burn some energy and be positive.  Remember the vibrant times.  The laughter and smiles.  The cheerful days.  And if it helps smooth out the miles or soften the sun or blunt the blustery cold then I get something out of it as well.


If you have never dedicated a run to someone give it a try.  Maybe give each mile to a different person.  Does not matter to whom or why.  Just think of someone other than yourself and the pain you may have at that moment.


Makes me smile just thinking about it.


Dot, Becky, Wayne, Mary, Will, Farra & Bob - you were all in my thoughts and on my miles this week.  Be well.

I'm not as sick as I feel.

I guess running while sick is like running when injured.  Your family and "friends" tell me to slow down and take it easy.

You gotta rest.

Don't push to hard.

Continuing to exercise while (insert ailment here) will only cause more problems down the road.

All valid reasons to not exercise and risk overdoing anything.  But I am not that amenable to "rest" when I haven't "earned" it.  I like to think I know my body and tell the difference between feeling icky and being truly sick.

For the past two weeks I have suffered in stages, from the nagging sore throat to drippy nose and finally occasional cough.  It really sapped my energy a few days.  But I can say that when I laced them up (actually my VFFs use velco, but the reference isn't as cool) I had the energy to run where and how long I wanted to go.  I'm proud of that.

Why stay inside and stew in my own germs when I can get outside and give my lungs a solid air exchange for one to two hours.  My sinuses cleared out in the process as well.

This takes me back to running with an injury.  I think my focus on doing so has shifted somewhat recently.  I blogged previously how I try to run no matter what.  Injury and pain were things to be ignored.  Now I see the scenario in a different light.  The pain I have dealt with in the past few months were not injuries in the clinical sense.  No stress fractures.  No sprains or strains.  Nothing torn or ruptured.  And nothing broken.  What I have dealt with have been the result of lazy form and poor focus on the details of running.  Form is an art.  Form must be catered to and constantly supervised.  Allowing form to break down is a sure way to developing bad habits which lead to pain and injury.  But by running through the pains I experience I have learned to course correct and run through the pain to something better.  I am not ignoring and running from, rather I am running along with till the form improves and the "issue" goes away.

If you develop an overuse injury, rest will not cure the injury.  The injury in locked in your form and motion.  Once you resume running, or any form of exercise where form in vital, the old form habits will resume and the injury shall return.  It is only a matter of time.  Learn about your body.  Learn how to move with efficiency and grace.  Learn to listen to you body and when it tells you something is not right.  Then you can learn to correct and overcome the type of overuse injuries that lie in wait for most runners.

The injury you suffer does not spell doom or mark an end your efforts at better health.  It merely is a sign post to take a different direction to a path of more informed movement.  When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Labels

Imagine living life without labels.  How would you recognize the policeman or fireman?  Who is the doctor or teacher?  And what about the other important labels like mother/father, sister/brother, parent/child?  Labeling is an important function in that it sets our places in the world and establishes how we each contribute to the global community.

But there are other labels which reinforce negative thoughts.  Being labeled fat, slow, dumb, unworthy are horrible things that unfortunately begin early in life.  Kids learn from adults and do not have a social filter, so labels are tossed around or applied to peers with frightful honesty.  Malicious intent is sometimes part of the equation but usually the negative labels simply pop out.

Hear and see negative labels enough and you may begin to apply those labels to yourself.  It is tough to bear.  When things don't go your way it is easy to sink into acceptance of the labels.  You know no other way.  Maybe you are doomed to be fat because you are.  You are fated to be slow or incapable because you lack the confidence to prove otherwise.

Labels can be self-fulfilling prophesies.  Hear it enough, whether the statements are internal or external in origin, and eventually the label becomes fact.  You are slow because you don't try to go faster.  You are fat because you don't try to get fitter.  You are incapable because you don't explore for hidden talents or unknown aptitudes.  The weight of negative labels can seem crushing.  Even if you have positive people in your corner it can still be difficult to see opportunity for self-improvement.

This was my life.  I never measured up.  I was always near the back of the line.  In fact negative self-talk still dominates in certain areas of my life.  Every morning presents a new challenge to either be what I have been or become what I should be.  Will I escape impending doom or be crushed by the pressure?

Let me share with you a little secret.  From the moment each of us is born we are dying.  While our cells are dividing and we are growing and developing and learning we are all doomed to the same fate.  Morbid I know.  The amazing thing about that fact is that it has the potential to free the mind from fear.  Be cautious, yes.  Be concerned, yes.  But be bold.  Be strong.  Find your focus and make the effort.  Give honest effort in a goal you find worthwhile.

Find a new label you want to wear.  This label could be something you once wore but no longer applies.  It could be a completely new label.  The point is to find something to pull yourself out of self-doubt and negative thoughts.  Find a label that pushes you to be something you currently are not.  Something stronger.  Something better.  Something "more".   Be the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is why I proudly wear the label of "runner".

Do you stomp or sweep?

I used to be a stomper.

Who learns to run?  Unless you are gifted and talented and part of a high school or college program few of us are able to get the coaching needed to develop proper running form.  Since college I tried running on occasion and was in constant pain.  And because of that pain I never saw running as a joyful activity.

There was even a buddy I went to school with from kindergarten through 12th grade that I could hear running from the end of the block.  I was a thin dude but he stomped like he weighed four hundred pounds.

So I read Chi Running (that again?) and began to get my form in order.  Then I read Born To Run.

The interesting thing about BTR is the multitude of points a reader may take away from the book.  It is a great "story".  It had anecdotal information regarding running form and running shoes.  It even has modern day investigations into our ancestral development as running people.

But for the purpose of this blog and my run this morning my thoughts today went back to BTR and the retelling of the 1994 Leadville Trail ultramarathon.  An American runner was pacing a Raramuri racer though the late stages of the one hundred mile ordeal and noticed something so slight that most people would never perceive its presence.

While running as a pair for several miles through the dark of night along wilderness trails the American noticed that the Raramuri's stride had a very easy wisking sound to it.  As if his feet were brooms sweeping gently across a floor.  For miles nothing but "wisk, wisk, wisk" and the sound of breathing.  However, as they progressed through the night the American became aware that the wisking sound was replaced by a slight crunching sound.  The Raramuri had developed a knee pain and altered his stride ever so little, but it was enough to change the sound of his foot fall.

This can happen to any of us.  Most runners (and I was one of the masses) adopt iPods and earphones as mandatory running gear to survive a run.  The noise (my word) is required to drown out the sound of our breathing.  The sounds of traffic.  The unwelcome conversation of other runners.  And the plaintive cries of our own mind to cease this ridiculous endeavor and go find the nearest air conditioned (or heated) couch.

The problem is that your body is urgently trying to communicate with you.  It has vital information to relay about the terrain, stride length, form, and energy levels.  Ignore or miss any of these cues and you may be heading down a blind alley to disaster.  Don't fear the sounds you make when running.  I like to run as silently as possible.  One guy I ran with briefly in my marathon said I was like Bigfoot drifting soundlessly through the forest.  A compliment I suppose.

My goal with each run, regardless of planned distance or desired pace, is to be a sweeper.  I must be light.  I need to smooth.  I have to run easy.  If I run outside of my best form my feet began to slap the ground and suddenly I'm on my heels and setting the stage for any number of setbacks.

Be a stomper and pound your body to dust.  Be a sweeper and clear away the debris to increase the odds of running pain-free.  When running we use sight and touch to navigate through the world.  Add the sense of hearing and discover where running takes you.

Now what?

I am five days removed from my first marathon.  I still marvel at the notion of completing this goal.  However am itching for something more.  I feel like the mountain climber who had just summited to only survey the horizon for the peak.  This is not to say that I have pushed aside the accomplishment, or forgotten anything about the ordeal I endured.  As I retreated down "the mountain" I have replayed the training cycle and the race itself for mistakes made and lessons learned.  These lessons may not apply to everyone.  These lessons work for me.

A high octane life needs high octane fuel.  

Are you a garbage disposal or do you choose what you eat for maximal metabolic efficiency?

I dropped soda and (most) junk food.  Fast food rarely touches my lips.  Beer is an occasional treat, not a daily staple.  Once I committed to running twenty-six point two I knew things had to change.  For too long I was overweight and slow and sad.  If I am to train for a marathon I need to train my diet, I needed to get control of urges and impulses.  I knew that to run farther and faster I had to run better.  For me that also meant eating better.

Denial and sacrifice are not bad things if I enjoy the results.  

You can't always get what you want.  But sometimes you find that you get what you need (where did that come from?).

Someone once said to eat, drink and be merry for we are not promised tomorrow.  I say live like tomorrow is guaranteed, so that you may make tomorrow better than today.  I am happy to have replaced the hangover with muscle fatigue.  It seems a worthy reward for the person I want to be.

If you are afraid of losing the enjoyment in life, sacrificing the foods and drinks that make life fun, review what you do eat.  What on that list aids your training?  What on the list makes you better at whatever you do?  And what holds you back?  Then decide if being "held back" is worth refusing to change your habits.  Like I said some time before, I want farther and faster.

Respect the distance.  

Any distance is difficult when you add the element of racing.  Six point two miles through a park is pretty easy.  No pressure.  But add a race bib and a start/finish line suddenly nerves creep in.  You have to prepare physically and mentally.  Unfortunately most people overlook the mental aspect of race training.


Two different friends from dailymile in the wake of my marathon disappointment said to "respect the distance".  Truer words were never spoken.  Twenty-six point two miles is no joke.  Nor is it a walk in the park.  Some people are natural runners and other people struggle with running.  But all runners have to cover the same distance.  With each mile lies a chance for failure.  To avoid failure is to stay focused on the task and reach the finish line while reaching as many goals as possible along the way.

Respect the training.  

If you don't train for it you can't race for it.  Avoid hills while training and you will lose your "race" on the hills.  If you don't train for speed you can't pull it out when you need the kick.

In response to "respect the distance" I said that it is more important for me to respect the training.  This is not to belittle the previous statement.  And there was a misunderstanding about that as well.  But if a runner does not take training seriously the runner's goals will remain out of reach.

Some runners wing it through a cycle.  Others build meticulous plans that must be followed at every step to ensure optimal physical and mental preparation.  I learned that training is serious business, especially with long distance running.  Run fast.  Run slow.  Run short.  Run long.  But run according to plan and at the right times.  Peak too soon and race day will be a failure.  "Try something different" on race day and you will suffer.

Now that Chickamauga is done and I have turned my attention to Myrtle Beach in February I am setting my plan in motion.  Base.  Tempo.  Intervals.  Hills (yes, I count highway overpasses as hills).  And the dreaded Recovery.  Every part has a role to play.  And every training day I shall work on some aspect of my program.    What I learned on Saturday is that there is never an "easy" run.  Good runs, yes.  Great runs, certainly.  And just maybe, if I stay smart and focused, I can have that great run.


I know that my running will not change the world.  I know that my running has not even changed me all that much.  What running has done is to expose aspects of me that I did not know existed.  It has opened up parts of me that even my wife and parents did not know were present in my personality.  Running shows what I am capable of when I let go of fear and self-doubt and worry of failure.  This is personal and subjective.  All my thoughts are directed toward making me a better "whatever".  Decide what your better "whatever" should be and get after it.  No one can do it for you.  Good luck.

The devil when down in Georgia...

Kidding me right?  Can't say I was not warned.

"In long-distance running the only opponent you have to beat is yourself, the way you used to be."

- Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

Where it all went down.  There may still be a chalk outline on the road from last year.

I'll save you the boring crap about the drive from Myrtle Beach to northwest Georgia.  The expo was forgettable other than the Daily Mile connection made with Gordon H. from Alabama.  He is a great guy and I enjoyed our visit before and after the race.

Hey, UnaRunner?  What's your real name?

So we got to the start/finish area around 6.30am with plenty of time to warm up and hit the bathroom (twice) before the official start at 7.30am.  There were lots of people like at most races.  All shapes and sizes.  Untold number of reasons for starting and goals for finishing.  There were 50-staters and green-horn first-timers.  I lined up with Gordon and Drew T. also from Daily Mile.  Always great to see friendly faces before (and during) a race.

The cannon roared and we were off.  The course begins with a loop around Barnhardt Circle then directs the runners on a local road before quickly shooting into the park.  For approximately one mile we were on broken asphalt "trail" closed in by trees.  A slight downhill slope was cause for early restraint on speed.  Got to go easy.  Once in the park the course became an eleven mile double loop.  We ran on blacktop through narrow forest and sunlit fields and monuments to states and soldiers whom gave blood and sweat in service to a cause greater than any little race.

The Chickamauga National Military Park is the site of a battle between Federal and Confederate forces as General Sherman's army attempted to break out of Chattanooga and head south for Atlanta.  While "Johnny Reb" won the day at Chickamauga, the loses where so heavy that when the Union forces made a second attempt the next spring they met little opposition.

The first loop went fairly well.  I ran for a few miles with a runner who's name I cannot recall.  But he is memorable in that he ran New York the previous Sunday.  His only goal this day was to enjoy himself.

The course is very windy with lots of banked turns.  Running the tangents is very important to minimize the distance you could run if you hugged the white line.  I think I would eventually run 26.4 miles in total.

I shared time with another runner from Atlanta.  Sam appeared to by older than me and was a capable strider.  He had not trained much lately but hoped for a good time and whatever time to day allowed.  I eventually pulled away from both Mr. New York and Sam.

Last year I DNFed on this course.  The pain, physical and emotional, of that day let me forget just how hilly the course is.  Because of this I had not trained for hills.  That would prove to be my undoing.

Let me clue you into a little secret.  Myrtle Beach is flat.  The only true hills are bridges and highway overpasses.  I could have gotten hill work in had I felt it necessary.  My gut let me down.  I realized how wrong I was as my dad and I drove through the park on Friday afternoon.  In the span of three miles there were at least four rises, the last of which was long and straight and high.  Probably not much for local runners or folks used to hilly terrain.  But this flat lander was about to get cooked.

I am a follower of Chi Running, a running style developed out of Tai Chi by Danny Dreyer.  I have spent the last sixteen months working through the forms and techniques to improve my running form and efficiency.  The process reduced or all but eliminated any joint pain that used to plague me as a runner.  Chi Running allowed me to enjoy running and excel as a runner.  But Danny is adamant in his commandments of "gradual progression" and maintaining focus regardless of the distance, pace or workout.

The thing to know about Chi Running for those unfamiliar is that it is very specific in how to move or hold every part of the body.  From head to toe every part has a slot or way to move to draw out maximum efficiency on the move.  During most run on flat ground the arms swing in a very short zone, from wrist to elbow always along the torso.  The arms act as a counter-balance to the legs and aid in forward momentum.  See pages 102-106 of Chi Running for greater detail on arm swing.  But one must understand that the elbow never comes forward of the rib cage.  Except when on a full sprint or on hills.  On up hill runs one will swing the arms forward as if punching ones self in the chin.  This aids upward momentum.  However it can apply greater stress on muscle along the spinal column from the neck through the shoulder blades.  Not good if one has not "worked" on hills during the most recent training cycle.

Even saw my dad on Mile 12.  Nice moment.

But, and its a big "but" the likes of which Sir Mix-a-lot pens hit songs about, I felt something "off"  by Mile 11.

I used get awful neck and shoulder pain early in my running.  I have been able to reduce the tension and run without pain in my upper back for several months.  This development was not good.  Anyway, I still had asphalt to kick.

By Mile 15 I had to hit pit road.  Just a quick stop to empty the tank and then back on the road.  Great thing about a park course is that will all the trees I don't have to wait for a port-a-john.  Whoo-hoo!!!

However that were things went off the tracks.  Permanently.  The pain in my neck and back moved into my shoulders and upper arms.  I never thought pain in my arms would affect my running but I was nearly in tears from the cramping.*  Unfortunately things would get worse.

Drew T. passed me somewhere around mile 19 or 20.  He asked how I was feeling.  Guess it was obvious but I answered with "I feel like shit".  His response was "same here".  And off he went.  Go get it Drew!

I had to walk in stretches beginning on Mile 20.  Only a 10k to go** and I know it will be the hardest 10k of my life.  While dealing with my shoulder pain I finally was forced to notice a new pain in my right foot.  There was a spot on the ball of my foot was in pain.  Toward the outside.  Right where I was planting with each stride.  By Mile 22 the run at 3.15.00 was over.  I could not run more that 100-200 yards without walking.  For a while.  I passed 22 miles at 2.55.38.  My shoulders didn't hurt as much as my foot anymore, but the overall effect on my body was overwhelming.  And because of pressure from my foot my calves were starting to cramp up.  Not in the funny sort of cramp either.  And I knew 3.30.00 was gone also.  Now all I hoped to do was get to the finish line.

My only explanation for the foot would be to blame the curved, banked road on the course.  Most of the roadway sloped downward left to right, so my right foot was usually lower and may have been planting harder than I thought at the time.  Could never get past it during the race.

Say my dad on the second loop on Mile 23.  I stopped to walk a minute and let him know I was not well but would be ok.  He needed to get back to the finish line as soon as possible.  Still have not seen my daughter or mom since before the race start.

I considered quitting.  I questioned if I really want to run.  At all.  I wondered if I was good enough to run far.  That is what I want more than anything.  I like the shorties.  5k and 10k are fun.  Quick and done.  But The Marathon is a whole other thing.  And an ultra is like a dream I don't dare dream.  But running far is what I want.

Running is my health outlet.  It got me into shape.  It made me healthy.  But I need a race and training to stay focused.  Without wanted to be a marathoner I would still be fat and unhappy and not what I want to be now.

My new goal, in the moment, for the short term, was to get back to Barnhardt Circle.  Two turns and done.  All down hill.  I can do that.  I think...

"Why couldn't Pheidippides have died here?"

- Frank Shorter, 22 miles into his first marathon, in 1971.

As I entered Barnhardt Circle for the final quarter mile I knew I had to run.  No matter how slow I went I absolutely had to run.  No matter how badly my foot hurt I had to run.  And since the final quarter mile was downhill I a little assist when I needed it most.  The road straighted out on the final stretch, and I know it sounds cliche, but I heard nothing and felt nothing.  Tunnel vision directed me onward with little thought other than to finish.

With only twenty yards to go I noticed movement to my left.  My daughter Lochlyn burst from the crowd and joined me for the final push.  I don't remember anything else till I was handed the finisher's medal.  Couldn't tell if the clock was even working.  That is how happy I was that my daughter stepped out.

Finishing with my "best eleven year old in the world"!

After I crossed the finish line I was handed my medal and "first-timer" plaque.  Then I stumbled to where my parents were on the road side and fell onto the grass.  My mom later told me she thought I was dead.  No, not yet.  But I laid there with my eyes closed and not moving for what seemed like a half-hour.  Maybe longer, maybe not.  I occasionally moved my arm.  I had to cough once and couldn't.  A lower abdominal cramp prevented that from happening.  I tried to get up once and couldn't.  My mom knew I was breathing.  Thank goodness for the auto-response systems in the body.  

I still cannot fathom that I met one of my goals.  In spite of much talk or bluster about wanting a Boston Marathon qualifying time the mostly likely and realistic goal was to finish.  And after nearly two years of planning and training and trying I could proclaim myself a "marathoner".  My name is on the list.  No DNF.  No omission from the shared struggle of a common cause.  Regardless of the reason or the result***, I did it.

There may be more to write.  More detail or emotion to get down.  Things to commit to "paper" before time erases the day from my memory.  My wife watched me type most of this and has commented about the length.  Maybe I am long winded tonight.  Forgive me for having a lot to say.  And there is even more to say about that day and the three days since.  There may be a few updates as I think them necessary

"...some people take to marathons in testament to the fact there is still substance and life in them.  

For others, it's simply a celebration of their life or perhaps the lives of others."

- Amby Burfoot, as interviewed for The 2,500-Year-Old Man

Sports Illustrated, November 15, 2010

* About four o'clock in the afternoon it hit me.  The excessive arm swing on Mile 7 aggravated a set of muscles I rarely need in running.  Had I not used the forward arm swing, or actually used hill work during the training cycle I may have avoided this problem.  For my mental state I was stoked to hit on this little pearl of wisdom so quickly.  It took me two weeks to work through my ankle issue from last year.  Things are already looking up.

** That final 10k took about 70 minutes.  The final two and a half miles about 40 minutes.  Consider me humbled.  Pushing through when there is nothing but the finish is an amazing thing.  Elites sometimes quit rather than risk injury.  They must be ready for the "next race".  For myself and others on that course Saturday the 2010 Chickamauga Battlefield Marathon was the only race.

*** My split times for people who may want to analyze such things.  Roscoe?  Greg?

One final note.  Today I ran.  Two days after Chickamauga.  I ran over seven miles and finished that run like a kid chasing summer.  Easy and painless and free of worry.  Or as free as I could be only days removed from my first marathon.  The calf soreness was moderate.  The foot pain was minimal.  The shoulder pain was non-existant.  I may have learned a few things regarding training and race day but one thing is certain. 

I am a runner.