which way the wind blows

quite often in my life i have felt rudderless, with slack sails.  my charts are scattered.  both day and night the skies are clouded over.  i know not where i am, just that i am not where i want to be.  well, not entirely...

  

for years my life seemed lacking.  something was missing.  there was no purpose.

if i know anything about myself it is that if there is something i do not want to do, i will not do it.  no amount of threats or cajoling or promised rewards will propel me down that path.  whatever it may be, i have to truly want it in order that i have any desire to actually pursue it.

hence private counseling.  and group therapy.  and more honest communication with my wife.  and the new job, which brings me to the point of this post.

that new job...  when that all began last summer, Andria was concerned that part time work would not provide enough of what we needed.  and surely the schedule would make for difficult times.  my therapist, dr. simons, balked at the idea even more forcefully.  what you need is money.  part time will not provide you with the means to change you situation.  

i took in what each of them had to say, and set out anyway.  i did not know what the future would hold, but i finally saw promise in that future.

a new wind was blowing.  not harsh or bitter.  not fraught with unhealthy urges or codependent attachments. so i raised my sails and let the wind carry me wherever it would.

six months later that part time job has become full time.  rather than a member of the team, i have been granted supervisory status.  i am one of the leaders.  my superiors and coworkers recognize that i have drive and determination and the will to succeed in that environment.  i may not have the support of everyone in the building, but i have the support of the right people in the building.

i have the support of the right people in life.

as for the money - the part time hours and the part time dollars - that will change to.  suddenly i am propelled from earning a quarter dollar above the entry level to the top hourly wage in the building plus one dollar, per company policy.  with the increase in wage and hours, my annual pay will triple.

fucking triple...

if you have any knowledge of my personal circumstances the last seven years, you know that Andria and i are on the cusp of something huge.

and all i have to do is to continue working the sails, keeping them trim and full.

Hi. My name is Logan and I am co-dependent.

I have worried about a lot of bullshit in my life.  I have made many self-destructive decisions in my life.  What I can say with the utmost certainty is that I am a victim of my own inability to control my urges and impulses.

Codependency has been will me all my life.  I suspect - rather, I believe - codependency will be will me for the remainder of my life.  Only now I have a label and I have an understanding and I have tools to respond to the behavioral patterns that previously guided me.

I may or may not use this space to write about my struggles with coming to terms with codependency.  Like other forms of addiction, you never beat it.  You can only deal with it.  You can only keep it a bay.

Should have any questions, ask.  If you come with hate or bullshit, I will cut you.  Deep.