If there is one thing you ought to know about me, it is that I do not ask for help. The very ask of seeking help is a chore. I believe that I am making a burden of myself on anyone I would even consider approaching. I do not know what this stems from, but it was a feeling ground into my psyche by nine shitty years working for a particular group of people in my previous career.
At times there were problems or obstacles beyond my control. Outside my pay grade. Above my skill set. So I would do what any normal person might do. I approached my supervisor, laid out the situation and asked for assistance. Hell, I even begged. On one occasion I was in tears due to the frustration of my situation not being remedied. It took me seven years to realize these people were only out to protect themselves. It took me seven years to realize that my sanity would be shattered if I stayed employed there, because I understood that I did not matter. Just a sqeaky wheel that was never greased.
Then one day life went sideways. Upside down. In the ditch and head long into a tree. But this incident pressed me to ask for help. I was forced to seek professional help and try to rebuild me.
Soon thereafter my circumstances changed and the emotional triggers ceased to be. Or so I thought.
In reality the triggers never left. They simply lay dormant for a while. Though the reasons for my depression are different today, the fact that I still have these swings has not changed. So today I asked for help.
The difference between today and last time around is that except for my immediate family I was alone. I hid from sight. I held unreasonable concerns that my therapist would adversely judge me. I could not surrender to the act of being repaired.
Now I am ready. I have a support network of people that knows how I feel and speak of my issues from their own experiences. And this blog has peeled away any fears I had about revealing my true self.
The next task is to find a therapist prepared to deal with me. Wish me luck.
As I post this I have 47 days till my next race. I want to congratulate all the incredible runners around the country doing #epicshit every time I peek out of my hole. You people inspire me to become better on every level. Thanks for taking me under your wing and into the family of that is the running community.