Monday, September 12, 2011

Making the Call

If there is one thing you ought to know about me, it is that I do not ask for help.  The very ask of seeking help is a chore.  I believe that I am making a burden of myself on anyone I would even consider approaching.  I do not know what this stems from, but it was a feeling ground into my psyche by nine shitty years working for a particular group of people in my previous career.

At times there were problems or obstacles beyond my control.  Outside my pay grade.  Above my skill set.  So I would do what any normal person might do.  I approached my supervisor, laid out the situation and asked for assistance.  Hell, I even begged.  On one occasion I was in tears due to the frustration of my situation not being remedied.  It took me seven years to realize these people were only out to protect themselves.  It took me seven years to realize that my sanity would be shattered if I stayed employed there, because I understood that I did not matter.  Just a sqeaky wheel that was never greased.

Then one day life went sideways.  Upside down.  In the ditch and head long into a tree.  But this incident pressed me to ask for help.  I was forced to seek professional help and try to rebuild me.

Soon thereafter my circumstances changed and the emotional triggers ceased to be.  Or so I thought.

In reality the triggers never left.  They simply lay dormant for a while.  Though the reasons for my depression are different today, the fact that I still have these swings has not changed.  So today I asked for help.

The difference between today and last time around is that except for my immediate family I was alone.  I hid from sight.  I held unreasonable concerns that my therapist would adversely judge me.  I could not surrender to the act of being repaired.

Now I am ready.  I have a support network of people that knows how I feel and speak of my issues from their own experiences.  And this blog has peeled away any fears I had about revealing my true self.

The next task is to find a therapist prepared to deal with me.  Wish me luck.

 - Logan


As I post this I have 47 days till my next race.  I want to congratulate all the incredible runners around the country doing #epicshit every time I peek out of my hole.  You people inspire me to become better on every level.  Thanks for taking me under your wing and into the family of that is the running community.

5 comments:

  1. Gah- we are scary similar in some ways. I don't ask for help either. Maybe it's having been raised by a single-mom who did it all herself or watching people fail to turn up the few times I did ask. I know where you're coming from. I'll pray the right person your direction. And if you start getting dark, expect me to call you on it- and do the same for me.

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  2. You don't need luck, Logan, just the willingness and desire to get a better understanding of what is going on with you. It will not be easy. In fact, it may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. But the journey is all yours and the ending is up to you.

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  3. Logan, I rarely ask for help. Sometimes I think it's easier to suffer through it than to ask for help because then I would appear [insert any word here]. I was wondering if you've thought about contacting Paul at Mental Pod to be a guest on the show?

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  4. You have inspired us to be better. You will get through this and be a stronger and better person because of it.

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  5. I went to a counselor once and, like you said, held back. I'm nowhere even near where you are right now. If I had a therapist sitting next to me, I wouldn't be able to admit to half the shit that I'm ashamed of or scared of. Hell, I have a hard enough time thinking about it. So as usual, you have inspired me. Inspired me to make some progress by trying to strip away those barriers, inspired me to be more honest with myself and with those around me. I just hope it works as well as it does for you.

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