Thursday, September 22, 2011

Clearing the Air

So I saw a guy about a thing the other week.  Like most things in life it turns out to be a smaller deal than I expected.  But its my thing so it can be a big a deal as I want to make such a thing.

Confused yet?  Me neither.

Over the past year I have experiences a lollercoaster (borrowed word) of emotion.  Bright highs and fog-induced bottom-of-the-well lows.

Chilean miner lows.  But their experience was a party compared to how I felt.  Of course their lives were in constant danger, and people died as a result of the cave-in.  I only felt like I might die.

What a drama queen.

My dress is at the cleaners.  So no pics to be posted tonight.  Sorry boys.

Back to the point of this post.  I went to see my general practitioner.  He dug some crap out of my foot last December after I tried a little barefoot run on Thanksgiving Day.  He did not give me crap about it.  He ran a few marathons in his past so he could understand my need to run.

I should say now that our first encounter was pre-ultra bug.  I had not yet contracted the virus.

So there was a certain comfort in visiting his office again.  My current issue was not liable to show up on an x-ray or blood test.  Certainly no need to shove a tongue depressor down my throat.

A few days later I returned to spend two hours of my day taking a 567 question computer assessment to build a psychological profile of yours truly.  In a style that is all my own I walked out in 45 minutes.  Nothing like running a marathon in a slow 10k finishing time.  I should tell you that my haste was mentioned in the opening paragraph of the assessment result I received on Tuesday.

Damn that computer program is smart.

I have to say how much I love my GP.  The review appointment did not feel rushed.  It was a conversation.  An actual talk with listening and understanding and interplay between two people.  God it felt great.

From the moment he began to explain the assessment results I was chortling.  It seemed to nail me dead to rights.  A lot of my quirks, mannerisms, aversions, etc were uncovered by the glowing box in the back room the previous week.

I hate social settings.

I hate crowds.

I dislike some aspects of my personal life and feel a flight response in dealing with certain situations (the spark to run per chance?).

I am overly critical of myself.

I diminish my abilities and hide in a corner.

The one surprise is than I am merely obsessive-compulsive.  It seems that my OCD is not manifest in physical actions or interactions - I'm not Jack Nicholson from the open of As Good As It Gets.  Now that dude was wack.

My tick is mental.  I replay and overthink and analyze into the dirt situations that have yet to happen.  Much of my anxiety comes from perceived interactions, dialogues that have yet to take place.  So I preplan and rehearse and anticipate the worse possible outcomes.  Then I employ evasive maneuvers to avoid that situation.  No direct eye contact.  No sound.  No crossed paths [certainly no crossed streams].

The good news is that my assessment does not indicate any bipolar tendencies.  Maybe the OCD allowed me to over analyze myself into thinking such a condition existed where none does currently.  For that I am pleased.

It did say I am predisposed to delusion or paranoia.  If you've read my blog or followed my dailymile posted you may have pieced that one together.  The delusion part at least.

Before the doctor stepped in, the check-in nurse talked about her experience with the assessment.  She had been the office guinea pig when they bought the program.  She joked that it identified narcissistic tendencies in her personality, which sparked a brief discussion of narcissism and how such a condition may manifest itself.

Guess what the program did not identify in my profile.

Yup, narcissism.  Not a trace.

Guess the damn thing isn't so accurate after all.

For those of you with interest or need, the assessment I took is the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 (MMPI-2).  Inquire with you healthcare provider should you desire such a screening.

I look forward to finding a therapist so we may dig into my profile and my psyche.  Should be interesting.  For now I'll try to focus more on training, my upcoming adventure in Texas hill country and my fledgling entrepreneurial endeavor.  Tee shirts, anyone???


  1. Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
    you sound a hell of a lot like me.
    Except I've never gone to see anyone about any of it.
    "I hate social settings.

    I hate crowds.

    I dislike some aspects of my personal life and feel a flight response in dealing with certain situations (the spark to run per chance?).

    I am overly critical of myself."

    That's me to a tee.
    The way you describe your "mental tick"... I think you're taking words from my mouth!

    Although I think running has helped me to get away from these things a little bit. Not fully, because there's a lot of stuff to work on yet, but I'm sure it's helpful in many ways.

    Thanks for sharing, your entries are always refreshing and so honest.

  2. Awesome. You are just as fucked up as me. I hate people. They suck. They stare at me because they are jealous. I shake in front of crowds because I am inadequate..... I HATE crowds... Unless they are chanting my name. Guess that's why I run so damn fast.... WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!xTrueStory

  3. Yeah, More we have in common. I would rather eat live bugs than do big crowds. The marathon, pre-race, is going to be hell for me. In our family- since we have a child on the Autism spectrum- we joke that things like this are my "tendencies". My husband has some, my daughter has some- but tests have shown none of us are even close to being on the spectrum. We just are who we are. And, for the record, who you are is pretty damn cool.

  4. O. Emm.. Gee... Yes, you are a "dweller". I have been battling that for years. (So has my brother. We don't give it fancy names, but it is the same thing.) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was my saving grace. It taught me how not to play the future and the past over and over and over and over and... in my head. You will find your way!
    Yes, I am blog-stalking you now. No, I refuse to be one of your groupies. No, do not dwell on that. Smile.