It Is a Matter of Trust

I do not like you.

As I get to know you more I like you less.

I wonder about this quite often.  The thought does not consume me, but it does push other more interesting thoughts aside from time to time.

Maybe its your boastfulness.  The way you make grand proclamations about things which you know very little.  The way you ridicule things that you care not to understand.  Shouting does not make you the victor in an argument, it only makes me less willing to even speak with you.

As I spend more time around you I realize you are a sad, lonely, incomplete little person.  Your personality is one massive defense mechanism for all the things you are not.  Unfortunately it seems you wear blinders.  And earmuffs.  If I heard myself say and saw myself do the things you do I would be mortified (more so than I am already) at how you could be so clueless.

Part of it is that your words and deeds do not match.  Hell, your words today do not match yesterday's words, or last year's.  But the deeds are always the same - empty and meaningless.

I for one am tired of holding back.  I will no longer seek your approval for it does nothing for me.  You only matter in the space that I allow you to matter.

In considering the situation, I walked right into the word that sums this up.  

Trust.

I realized I do not trust you.  I cannot trust you.  To place trust in your is a grave error in judgment on my part.  Placing trust in you jeopardizes everything I am building.  I am not the man I should be because of it.

Of course this is not your fault.  You are what you are.  The blame for the situation rests squarely on my shoulders.  I gave trust.  My fault.  My mistake.  My bad.

Someone asked "why now?"  Why not wait till I am more prepared, better equipped?

Because waiting does nothing to ensure I shall every be ready.  I have waited far too long.  Waiting is what I do best.  I can "wait" better than most people I know.  Wait and Procrastination are "kissing cousins".  But waiting is getting me nowhere.

Be not afraid of moving slowly, only of standing still - Chinese proverb

So I am forging ahead with my plan.  With any luck I shall make my way home with a new course of action and a clearly marked path to becoming the person I need to be.  The person I want to be.  The person others see in me.

I do not like you because I do not trust you.  

Before I can ever trust you I must learn to trust myself.  This is why I run.  To trust that I can.