Tuesday, November 19, 2013

enough is enough

there are times, like now as i sit before my computer, when i tell myself i should be doing more.

more what, you ask.

fuck if i know, but whatever it is, i should be doing more of it.

housework, maybe.

yard work, definitely.

running and general exercise?

the point is that there is always something to do.  there are tasks that need to be completed, or addressed in the least.  but time keeps slipping away.

i should not beat myself up of not doing enough.

since i started working at Costco in July 2012, i went from a nowhere real estate career and pulling twenty to twenty-five hours per week at the store, to full-time supervisory status within six months.  we finally moved into our own place, back in May, and are doing our best to pay our own way through life.

for forty hours each week i am doing the best i can to hold my mental, emotional, and physical shit together.  some days i walk out feeling pretty good, about myself and the job i did.  other days, well, i slink out barely a shell of the man that walked in.

when i need to hear it, i recite to myself the following affirmations:  i do enough, i have enough, i am enough, and i am good enough.

if any of those don't apply, then it will have to be.  because unlike in previous professions, i give all i have.  most days it is good.  some days it is great.  then other days come along and nothing works and whatever does happen materializes in a slow motion sort of way.  like a train wreck on one tenth speed.

admittedly, i do not run as much as i want.  the housework - which i do because A is up to her gills in school work - gets done.  not as fast as i'd like, but who can i blame but myself.

over the last few years much of my anxiety and self-loathing was born of the concept of "enough" - i did not do, have, provide, nor was "good enough".  i supposed that people projected these thoughts upon me.  it took a long while for me to admit that the only one projecting was me.  it was my voice saying such horrid things.  if anyone else had similar thoughts, they did a fine job of keeping them to themselves.  mostly...

here is the thing.  there are people that accomplish more than i could ever dream.  there are also people that do far less.  the point is that i do what i do and am okay with the results.

because sometimes enough is enough.

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