Saturday, June 11, 2011

Naming My Demons

I am afraid.  I try to put up a brave front and not let these thoughts rule my life or inhibit my forward progress.  Some days these fears seem bigger than myself, overpowering in their pervasiveness.  Some are general, some are specific, yet they all affect me on some level.

The purpose of this post is to acknowledge the fears that paralyze me and attempt to defuse their inherent power.  I may not be able to overturn them in the short term, but by writing them down I hope to lessen the impact they have over my psyche.  Before you label any of this notions are ridiculous or silly take a moment to example was affects you on a deep personal level.  I am not asking for responses.  Just consider what keeps you awake at night.

I am afraid that
  • I will become on my worst days exactly what  I think I am.
  • I will never be able to contribute meaningfully to my household.
  • My children will be just as emotionally compromised as I am.
  • My wife will realize I am not the partner and spouse she deserves.
  • In a moment of weakness I will cheat in my marriage.
  • I will never have money.
  • When a friend truly needs me I intentionally not respond.
  • My children will not have enough to eat.
  • The people I most care about will eventually realize I am worthless and shun me.
  • I am less that other people believe me to be.
  • That people will hear the negative thoughts in my head and agree.
  • I will push everyone away just to prove that it would eventually happen.
  • My passive-aggression will drive a wedge in my relationships with family and friends.

I may add to this list as other ideas float it.  The sad fact is that this list will probably grow.  These are not concrete fears.  Nothing to do with the weather or the economy or geopolitical upheaval.  I cannot control that shit.  The fears that consume me all originate squarely between my ears.

You will not see any fears related to running on this list.  My desire to run my fly in the face of work and personal commitments, however the act of running does not elicit a fear response.  Running takes me to my happy place.

I will conclude on this - I am feeling better as a result of types these thoughts out.  I began writing this post Friday afternoon and within an hour or two the fog was begin to lift.  The reason my writing has been focused on mental health issues of late may be due to a lack of racing.  Training is not the same as racing.  I have two months to prepare for my next race.  Soon...

4 comments:

  1. Logan, I hear you and know exactly how you feel. Depression is real and can be a burden. But when we run, when we compete, it slips quietly away. Nothing irrational on your list. Just thinking about it makes you rational. Hang in there my friend. This storm shall pass.

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  2. I am so sorry that you're going through this. I am glad that you took the time to share. My hope is that you can get out of the funk on your own.... if not, medication can be quite helpful. Depression is not something to take lightly.

    Take care of yourself!!!

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  3. This inspired me to start an official Fear-off thread at the mentalpod.com forums. Thanks Logan!

    http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=131

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  4. I need a list like this as well. And, for what it's worth, even as an "Internet friend" you bring something special to my life. Have a great Friday.

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