I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 13

Knowing when to say "enough".

While at dinner last night after viewing My Run, the conversation turned to racing and my upcoming foray into ultra marathons.  A friend asked "when is enough going to be enough?"  At first I thought she was referring to the long-term view of racing.  How many future ultras?  Actually the question was more about the immediate.  At what point during the hundred miles would I know it was time to stop?  What are the signs telling me to get off my feet before I'm on my back?

Of course my wife was a party to this conversation.  We returned to the topic on the way home.  She is afraid I will kill myself in pursuit of this goal.  I discussed my eating plan.  I discussed my hydration plan.  The course layout will never have me more than two miles from an aid station.*  If my handhelds go dry I won't have far to go for a refill.  And the run is outside Seattle so chances are it will be raining.  Like manna from heaven.

All the advice I have been given says that the challenge is all mental.  My body will ache.  The pain is unavoidable.  I will hurt of a long time.  The trick will be in pushing the pain aside and continuing to move forward, whether I run, shuffle, walk or crawl.

So I come back to the question of when I will know if I am "finished" before the finish.  It may be a physical breakdown.  The moment could come from a mental lapse.  I hope the wall does not collapse on me, but I have to accept that the wall begins to crumble from the very first step I take.  So the true race is not to the finish line and the belt buckle trophy.  Rather the true race is time and distance against my body and endurance.

I will not pick a number and predict "I shall be satisfied if...."  It will be very in-the-moment.  I believe I will know when I know.  My hope is that the knowing will come after the finishing.  After the eighth and final loop.

 - Logan

*Twelve mile loop with aid at the Start/Finish, Mile 4 and Mile 8.

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 12

Vision.

I am nearsighted.  Need corrective lenses - either glasses or contact lenses.  Usually I wear my contacts when running.  At night I need clear vision for things that lurk in the shadows.  During the day I'll kick about in my sunglasses, but I still where my contacts to see at a distance.

The thing is this morning I ran sans corrective lenses.  I never saw what hit me.  My right knee suddenly developed an incredible pain.  The run only came close to my planned ten miles because I was on and out-and-back route.  The final two miles was a long slow plod.  Thoughts of bagging the Lumberjack nearly drove me to tears.  Walking up and down stairs required a break to let the discomfort subside.  The pain in my knee was surpassed only in severity by the thought of not going to Seattle in two weeks.

I read at somewhere today (the source escapes me) that to be a successful ultra runner one needs vision.  You cannot simply hope to finish.  You have to believe.  You have to see yourself finishing.  A vision of what lay ahead may be one of the preeminent traits an ultra runner should possess.  

If I plan to complete the Lumberjack Endurance Run I must see the finish line.  I need to visualize myself crossing the finish line.

The lone finisher of the Barkley Marathons in Tennessee last had but one reason to run that event last year.  To run all five loops.  That is a pretty clear goal.  In the twenty-five years of the Barkley over 800 men and women have assembled at the starting line.  Only eight have finished.  Last year's finisher was the ninth.  See the finish line.

I nearly lost that vision this morning.  In the meantime I shall rest.  I shall apply regular cold and heat treatment to make the knee well again.  As my knee regains its strength I expect my vision will become clearer again.

Because seeing is believing.

*UPDATE*  I saw the accompanying video posted to dailymile this morning.  It is an excellent example of vision.  Do you see the fall or the finish?  What do you think the winner saw?  The losers?

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 11

"I didn't need to know that I could run 100 miles before tackling the century distance; I needed only the courage to do it."

 - Elinor Fish, former editor, Trail Runner Magazine (March 2011)

Courage is an interesting trait.  Some challenges go unmet because they hold no interest.  Some people realize they are ill equipped to meet the challenge.  And others still lack the courage to rise up and confront the task before them.  I lack courage.

Running one hundred miles may seem insane.  Some may consider it dangerous.  One might even say foolish.  You may even say while it not for you, there is a certain amount of admiration for those runners that do tackle the longest of endurance races.

I will contend that courage is the life preserver that carries you to "certainty.  Once you met the challenge courage is not longer as important as regular training and nutrition.  Courage helps you to face the unknown.

Fear used to enter my mind when considering "the marathon".  I shed that fear.

The idea going beyond 26.2 miles left me uncertain.  After last night's 50k trainer, I realize I am capable of more.  Fifty miles appears within my grasp.

I will need courage going to Port Gamble in nineteen days.  Courage will maintain my calm.  Courage will keep my gaze steady.  Courage will keep my stride fluid.

But my trust that my need for courage will be temporary.  I am looking to replace courage with certainty.

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 10

Until today physical issues were not a concern regarding my upcoming attempt at an ultra.  Damn bicycle threw a wrench in that, but all I can do now is be careful and be smart.

Thank god I don't have to ride a bike at Lumberjack!

My "issues" that I have written about here and on dailymile of late have nothing to do with running and everything to do with how I see myself in everyday life.  I think my goal is to prove to myself that I am truly capable of amazing feats of physical and mental endurance.  And just maybe I can carry that enduring quality to other areas of my life where I feel less "awesome".  Sometimes my running bravado is nothing more than window dressing to disguise how timid I am when not on the road.

I have no idea how I will respond when the miles get long and slow, or when the night gets dark and cold.  But I already know how I react when confronted with obstacles.  That is "the wall" I hope to smash.

I listened to a podcast this morning where the hosts discussed running a one hundred mile race.  They compared it to childbirth.  Even though these guys will never know the pain of childbirth they do know that a woman delivering a child cannot take a "DNF".  You have to go all the way.  Its time I took that attitude.  Its time I stopped taking a DNF in life.

This is one challenge I am ready to tackle.

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 9

You can never tell how steep something is until you rub noses with it.

 - Bear Grylls' father, The Kid Who Climbed Everest

I was in a bit of a crisis this morning.  Not thinking of bagging the ultra, but I was in serious need of a mojo adjustment.  Thirty days is still a long way out.

This got me thinking about my motivation for participating in this event.  I need to frame my motivation to know I can pull through when chasing the buckle is not enough.  I have to find my desire when "wouldn't that be cool" no longer matters.  Time to admit why I want or need to complete this race.

What will completing an ultra marathon mean to me?  Do I need to finish an ultra to be "somebody"?  Down deep I think so.  It may not be the best reason to participate in race of any length, from 5k to beyond 26.2.  But I need it to prove something to myself.

I have a lot of fears.  I am controlled by some pretty strong inhibitions.  My biggest obstacle (among many) is that I do not consider myself "worthy" or "good enough".  Maybe this race will allow me to see myself as others see me.  

Of course somewhere in the back of my mind I question if I shall ever find what it is I am seeking.  The high from my Boston qualifying run in Myrtle Beach less than thirty days ago has already worn off.  Not that I'm demeaning the value of the finish.  It seems to have had little carry over.  I am afraid that the same thing will happen after the ultra.

If you have not already guessed I tend to obsess and over analyze.  For now I shall focus on enjoying the trip.  I shall focus on finishing.  I can worry about "after the finish" after I finish.

Thanks to Runfastermommy for sharing this video with me on Facebook.  I really needed to see it today.

 - Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 8

Halfway.

Almost one month ago I finished the Myrtle Beach Marathon and turned my attention to an ultra.  Now that ultra is one month away.

Halfway.

Coming off the excitement of the marathon I was riding high and ready to take on the world.  An ultra seemed like the next step.  I have plenty of other marathons I want to tackle, but this particular race is just what I needed.  A new region of the country to visit.  A new group of friend to join.  And a new challenge to assault.

Halfway.

One month later the shine is wearing off.  I am only taking eight weeks to prepare for the Lumberjack Endurance Run.  Eight weeks to go from a marathon to one hundred miles.  I am sure I'd feel worn down even if I allowed six months to train.  The next four weeks just feels like an eternity.  But in reality time is flying.

As the days and weeks get shorter I believe the anticipation will grow.  Making preparations for the distance is the only thing that got me on the road today.  I cannot half-ass my way through a hundred miler.  A marathon... maybe.  I proved that on Saturday.  The Lumberjack will be different.

As the miles rack up I will feel it too.  The wear on my body.  The fatigue in my mind.  And the growing certainty that regardless of the outcome I know I am doing what I was meant to do.

I see these eight weeks like the one hundred miles of the ultra.  Excitement will reign at the start.  Relief and jubilation will greet me at the finish.  But that middle portion.  That will be the real deal.

I am glad to be halfway.  Now it seems real.

 - Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 7

My naturally restless mind has been in a constant battle since I started marathon training a few years ago.  Training is about "doing".  Its about making something happen.

The most difficult task for me has not been getting the necessary mileage but rather getting enough rest.  A rest day always seemed like a "waste" day.  Getting more mileage was like a drug.  I loved seeing the weekly totals pile up.  Pushing farther was probably more important to my subconscious mind than any actual race.  I realize that this thinking is unreasonable, but it was how I thought.

I can truly say that my thinking has changed regarding the rest day.  Last Friday I welcomed the opportunity to do nothing in anticipation of a huge mileage weekend.  And today I revel in the stillness.  While my body largely feeling good, my mind in calm.  No urge to hit the road.

This feeling is still a little odd.  But it feels right.  Thus I am now a less reluctant adherent to the rest day.

 - Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 6

I will concede that running one hundred miles sounds ridiculous.  Running anything close to a marathon distance when there is no finish line or medal awaiting you is equally laughable.  After all, where is the glamor and excitement in a twenty-plus mile training run.  Just more "miles in the bank" as some dailymilers like to post.

One dailymiler posted this morning that he does not understand the attraction to running distances greater than a marathon.  I think some 5k and 10k champions probably feel the same way about us marathoners.  For me it is about deciding to do something and seeing it through.

Will I finish?  I really don't know.  But I'm not worried about it.  When the race director says "GO!" I shall trek as far as my heart, mind, legs and stomach will allow.  If I cross the hundredth mile great.  Should I fell somewhere short of the goal, its still OK.  I will certainly be disappointed.  

There will be no heartache though.  For too many times in my life I failed to start, fearful of failure.  Now I accept failure as a potential outcome.  I am resigned to "good enough" being good enough.  

An online friend posted last week that "good enough" is akin to giving in.  This time I don't think so.  This time is about seeing how far I can go, how much I can achieve, how great I am capable.

The alternative to "good enough" is never even trying.  So regardless of the outcome I will reflect upon that weekend in April and say "yup, I lined up and put my ass in the fire".  Its not about ego.  Its not about being better than "you".  Its about becoming better than me.

 - Logan

Running Out of the Shadows

I have lived my life in shadows. Never the best at anything. I never qualified (in my mind) for second or third best either. The fact of the matter is that I was never considered the smartest or strongest or swiftest and handsome for that matter. The events of my life sort of fit into the background. My experience would not be the subject of books or movies. Hell, I often wondered if I made any impact on the people I met beyond the initial "hello".

Compound this by thirty-five years. I skated by in school. I was not athletically inclined. More of a life spectator than life participant. Most of my stories were retold tales of other peoples' adventures. Sure, I spent four months in Beijing. I have an interesting story behind meeting my wife. There are other moments worth mentioning. But nothing that really made even me stand back and say "wow".

I often wondered if I even mattered. Outside my little circle of family I was curious (concerned) about my impact on the world. A former supervisor had a saying about our individual worth in the workplace. Put your hand in a bucket of water then pull it out. If the water does not fill the space your hand occupied then you are not replaceable. Otherwise we are all interchangeable. Not an entirely true statement but I get the point. And my pleas for assistance in this career confirmed my own diminished self-value. Ask for help enough and the response (or lack of) is telling.

"Do I matter to you once we part ways?"

So I longed to matter. I yearned to end the invisibility. I want to be noticed. Not for ego. But for value. I believe that all anyone wants is to know that we matter. On some level we affect people in positive ways and have a lasting impact. Whether it is art, music, literature, business or sports the impact one makes can be monumental or sublime. I don't need a ticker-tape parade down Main Street. A simple "thank you for being you" is usually enough.

Running has shredded my invisibility. My training motivates people to get active. (So I'm told) My racing inspires people to set goals. (So I'm told) My writing encourages people to share their own stories full of triumph and tragedy.

Sometimes I wonder about my place in all this. Maybe I am "too out there". The crazy thing is that every time I ponder receding to the shadows for a breather something amazing happens before I am able to retreat. A new connection is formed. An intriguing opportunity arises. An awesome recognition is bestowed upon me. These moments remind me that people see me in a way that I recently that foreign.

My wife jokes that I ego is growing to an uncontrollable proportion. An running friend commented that "the genie is out of the bottle". I think it is simple that I no longer shrink into the shadows. I try to stay humble. Speak with me in person and you will see it. I am still shy in social situations. Public boasting is still not my thing.

My new visibility has amazing consequences. Old friends are taking up running. Strangers are becoming new friends. Opportunities to test my limits and shatter my boundaries are coming up fast. No one truly knows how this all affects me, but I am impacted.

I don't long to "hear" myself talk. I don't need to have my ego stroked. I don't care to amass a cult-like following. I do hope to hear that someone improved an aspect of their life due to my example. Inspiration often arrived out of the blue. Encouragement may come from unexpected places. The best statement I could hope to hear would be "I did this because you did it too."

I am tired of hiding. Tired of being unnoticed. Tired of being inconsequential. I am not tired of running though. I have so many miles to go and so many stories to live.

Or something like that... Running has brought amazing, caring, wonderful individuals into my life. And no one has asked anything of me other than to believe in them. To be honest and trusting and hopeful. To be a friend. I run to live. 

I have a few stories to tell. Some are public. Some are private.  What I do know is that telling my story has helped heal the people involved. My story has comforted people, knowing they are not alone in their suffering or struggle.

Discovering my "visibility" is the cause of my smile today.

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 5

No Excuse Sunday.  I have Peter A. to thank for that bit of inspiration.  Today was about not letting excuses deter me.

Woke up thirty minutes late.  Was slow to get moving.  Had a bit of a headache.  Too much Guinness and not enough water after last night's nineteen miles.

Rain was on the radar.  Lots of rain with the potential for thunderstorms.  Never really materialized though.

The rain was falling as I stepped out.  It wasn't too cold so I left the raincoat at home.  Left it in a wad with the excuses.

I had a lot of thoughts about running an ultra today.  "Can I do this?"  "Which will falter first - my body or my mind?"  "How will I respond if things go bad with a long way to go?"

Today's run answered a few questions.  My body held up.  Strategic walk breaks work well.  My mind stayed strong.  I worked hard to get to the 20mi today.  I passed my house at 13.5 miles and again at 16.5 miles.  Would have been easy to chuck the rest of the run and hit the showers.

But that is no way to earn the buckle.

 - Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 4

Damn I am tired.

The anticipation of my run later today is burning more energy that I counted on.  I had considered running this morning and tomorrow morning; then it occurred to me that I need to get accustomed to the fatigue.  So I will head out around 6pm for 18-20 miles, then jump out for another 18 miles in the morning.  Should be raining then.  With thunderstorms moving in around noon.

Nothing like having Mother Nature hurry you along.

Yet in spite of the fatigue that is settling in I am pleasantly happy.  I am pleased with the commitment I have made to the training and distance.  I am encouraged by how my body has responded since the marathon on Feb 19th.  I am also enthused by the support my wife has displayed in the crazy endeavor.

Andria used to give me crazy looks when I suggested something so insane as running one hundred miles in under thirty hours.  Now when I talk about my training or the trip next month, she smiles and listens with intent.

Damn I am happy.

 - Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 3

Growing up and branching out.

So I am not jumping into a marathon on March 20th.  Really.  Better sense and restraint kicked in and advice of a couple of good "friends", i.e. people I have never actually met, led me to skip this race and keep my eyes on the prize.  Finishing an ultra is what I want more than anything at the moment.  I would probably be unable to check my ego once the gun fired and the risk of injury is not worth it right now.

I am seeking advice on nutrition while running.  One fellow whom I hold in high esteem suggested dates.  I had never eaten a date.  I have been on a few dates.  My only recollect of dates were the "bad dates" in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  So last night I tried my first date.  Admittedly it was of the pitted variety... But all in all I'd say I might like them.  Dates are an excellent source of potassium and a great carb option.  I will continue to experimenting through the week and carry some along during my long runs on Saturday and Sunday.

- Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 2

Pacing.

When planning to run any distance pacing is key.  Go too fast at any point and finishing is not guaranteed.

So pacing will be one of my too focuses over the next seven weeks.  Putting in the mileage is another focus, but pacing is at the forefront at the moment.

My problem is that I tend to redline too often.  I like running fast and figure that the faster I go the sooner I can finish.  That is not sound thinking for a ultra.  Especially for my first attempt beyond 26.2 miles.  Especially when that first attempt is in a 100 mile event.

A dailymiler offered some advice I have heard but never tried.  Many people get through long distance running with a run/walk method.  Run so many minutes then walk so many minutes.  The idea is to run more than walk but to let the walk recharge or save "the batteries" for later in the race.  I hate walking.  Walking leaves me feeling defeated.  Whenever I start to walk in training or in a race the negative self-talk begins and running gets harder.  Walking gets easier.  I feel defeated.

So today I decided to follow the advice.  This fellow is an accomplished ultra runner so I figured he knows what he is doing and is trying to help.

Consider my running mind "blown".  On Saturday and Sunday I happened to run exactly the same distance - 16.01 miles.  Saturday's run took 2:07:15.  Sunday's run took 2:07:11.  The difference is that on Sunday's run I intentionally walked for two minutes at miles 11, 13 & 15.  I walked a total of six minutes and still finished faster than when I ran the entire distance the day before.  That is incredible.

So I have to put in the miles.  I have to practice my pace strategy.  I need to re-wire my brain into accepting that well-timed walks will get me to the finish line.

But don't expect me to happy should I walk in a marathon.  That still sucks.

- Logan

I Am an Ultrarunner! Almost. Maybe. Part 1

So I am entering an ultra marathon.

You may ask why.

Because someone asked me to join them.

I am not entering the race I originally considered.  That one is just too much, too soon with too much stress associated with it.  However another running friend invited me out west to try a lower key affair.  We'll see how it goes.

The original plan was to get several more marathons in my legs before stepping up to the "big leagues".  I even toyed with the idea of an all-night run in June to test myself physically and mentally.  I figured I would not be ready to tackle an ultra before 2012, if ever.

April 16/17th 2011 is coming fast.

Running came to me as a way of finding the person I ought to be.  Running came to me as a way of exploring what I have to offer the world.  I believe "Logan" did not truly exist before the running "Logan" was borne.

This post marks the launch of a series devoted to my training and adventures in ultra running.  Should be interesting.

Will I succeed?  Will I fail?  Regardless of how I finish I will be at the starting line.  And at the moment that is all that matters.

 - Logan

"Falling Short" Was Such a Great Leap Forward

The 2011 Myrtle Beach Marathon marks a day two years in the making.  When I decided in December 2008 to "become" a marathoner it was too late to register for the 2009 race here in my adopted hometown.  Then the 2010 was cancelled.  So I was extremely excited all week that the day was coming, that thousands of people were coming to my town to run on what would be a glorious day in mid-February.

The excitement started earlier in the week.  All the advance well-wishes from friends online was incredible.  The taper was not as bad as I had anticipated, except for the lack of sleep.  I only ran half my usual mileage by Thursday.  Thus I am wide awake at 3am Thursday, 1am Friday and 2am Saturday.  The fatigue finally hits me 6pm Friday and I am getting extremely irritable.  Fortunately Andria is extremely understanding and allows me to chill on my own.  (I do apologize for being an ass.  Knowing you are an ass is the first step toward not being an unbearable ass.)

The four o'clock alarm sounds, I kiss the wife and sleeping kidlets and I am off to collect my "pace rabbit".  Timothy P. of North Carolina offered to pace me through the race.  It is amazing how running is a bridge to "fast" friends, even when personalities or backgrounds can be so different.

We arrive at the parking lot next to the starting line and mingled amongst the crowd beginning to assemble.  There are even a few chance meet ups with fellow dailymilers such as Jonathon S, Aaron, Paul S, Matt and a few others that may have blended into the predawn excitement.  I also exchange well-wishes with local running friends making their way to the appropriate spots in the starting field.

Tim and I move forward and are in the second or third row off the starting line.  I am not nervous so much as ready to test myself and see how I will respond to the challenge I set for myself months ago.

My running is about so many things - physical fitness, mental & emotional wellness, breaking through barriers.  In the pursuit of being the best runner I can be I had aspirations of qualifying for Boston.  I also want to run New York City.  The lottery process would afford me a "guaranteed" entry by my fortieth birthday.  However,  after the Boston registration fiasco I looked into how one might avoid the NYC lottery and "qualify" for that race.  That change in focus meant I had to reset my race goal from 3:15:59 (7:27 minutes per mile) to 2:54:59 (6:40 minutes per mile).  And that difference is staggering.

The starting cannon fires and my left calf "pulls" with the first step.  Ugh!  So my race strategy suddenly changes from going hard and fast to managing the pain and staying on the course.  Going to be epic one way or another.

Tim and I manage to pick our way through the crowd over the first few miles.  We don't pass too many people as our early plan is to warm up to the pace.  The breathing is easy and legs feel good other than my calf.  This first major landmark will be seeing my family at Mile 6 in Market Commons, a local retail/residential area.

I bounced between 7:00/mi and 6:40/mi but as I see my family I suddenly speed up as the excitement overtakes me.  I worked out a system with my oldest daughter before the race.  I would flash a hand signal for my current pacing which she would text to dailymile.com through Twitter.  The race timing company offered live tracking for the race but that site crashed on race morning, so this little system with Lochlyn works out pretty well, as evidenced by the chatter on Twitter during the race.  As the course winds through the blocks of Market Commons I check my Garmin and realize my pace has dropped to under 6:20/mi.  Time to ease off the gas with nearly twenty miles still ahead of  us.

But I was somewhat unprepared for what would happen on the half mile back to the oceanfront.  This is the first "out and back" of the course with inbound runners filing past the outbound runners.  I scan the oncoming crowd for familiar faces.  I call out to Hal, a Michigander spending the winter here with his daughter and her family.  Then it happens.  I start hearing my name.  Shouts of "LOGAN!"  "GO UNARUNNER!"  Knowing that people were looking for me gave me a huge boost and put me in a very happy place. 

The next challenge is on Ocean Blvd.  Almost nine miles along the oceanfront into a north wind.  The wind is not cold, but offers heavy resistance.  The best approach I find in dealing with the wind is to just let it come.  I cannot redirect it, and with a set course I cannot avoid it.  Best to make friends and keep moving ahead.

We pass Bob and Tom at Mile 12.  They are dailymilers and offer encouragement.  Bob is a course volunteer.  Tom had hopes of running today but decided to hang out and soak in the atmosphere.  Tom snapped this picture for us.

We cross the halfway mark at 1:28 and change.  I am a minute and a half off my NYCQ goal but I have time to make that back if everything goes well.  No worries yet.

At some point Tim says he is developing a blister.  Apparently he does not get blisters and may have cause for concern.  Over the next five miles we process along fairly well only to realize I have lost Tim.  Never says a word.  Just not there.  I wonder what happen but later learn he developed a major foot problem and finishes ten minutes behind me.

One thing I know is that before any major race you cannot go to the bathroom enough.  If I do not have pee at the starting line I have not hydrated enough.  So by Mile 17 I need to make a pitstop.  I am on another short "out and back" and spy port-o-johns on the other side of the road, but figure I am still a half-mile away.  I cannot wait that long and start wondering if I can make it or risk jumping into the woods along the road.  I decide "to Hell with it" and hop into the woods, take care of business and get back to work.  But like my first marathon last November I am not able to recover my speed.  It is during mile 17 that my pace finally goes over seven minutes per mile.

Someone once suggested that I revel in any finish line.  A marathon completed is a good marathon.  That same person (and I cannot give credit because I have forgotten who said this) said to enter any race with multiple goals.  A single goal means I risk seeing the day as a failure if I cannot hit it.  But multiple goals gives me the opportunity to adjust and reset my determination and still have something to race for.

Goal Number One is to qualify for New York City with a time below 2:55:00.  My second goal is to run the course under three hours.  My third goal is to quality for Boston at 3:15:00.  And my fourth goal is to best 3:30:00.  The last goal would represent a fifteen minute PR over my first official marathon time.

So by Mile 18 I know that New York City will have to wait for another day.  I have other races on the schedule anyway.  My spirit will not be extinguished over a few numbers on a clock.  Now a sub 3 hour pace is on my mind.

Over the next few miles that cramp in my calf gets really bad.  And my right calf is starting to wake up.  My feet are sore and I dealt with mild stomach cramps during miles 18 & 19.  I've run through most of the water stops, grabbing Powerade or water as best I can.  However now I am walking through the stops.  Time to manage the course and the pain.

Lets just say that the next few miles were not fun.  I saw Haley on the course waiting for her husband Nathan, who is running his first marathon.  They are local running buddies and super positive people.  I enjoy sharing the road with them at any opportunity.  He has a tough day and looks awful at the finish line, but like me he is now a marathoner.  Needless to say seeing Haley's cheerful face is a nice boost to my spirits.

By mile 24 I pick up a quad cramp.  Never had that before.  I have to stop and stretch for a bit and quickly resume my slow trot to the finishing area.

I forgot to mention that my Garmin unlinked from the "Skynet" during mile 22.  So other than the course clocks every two miles I have no clue how I am doing.  At this point I accept that a sub 3 finish is lost as well.  Time to check in with Goal Number Three.

I realize that I have a chance at 3:10:00 but need to run as much of the final few miles as possible.  A runner passes me and says we have 1.5 miles to go, that I am looking good.  Just keep moving.  Time to find that place inside myself to provide the spark.  It occurs to me that 3:10:00 will be the new standard for Boston in 2013.  Better get it now while I have a shot.

Dedication miles are a big thing for me.  Sometimes running for myself is not enough.  I will think about people that inspire me.  I will run for them.  When I put all the people on my list I gave miles 1 and 26 to my wife Andria.  I think about her and our nearly twenty years together.  As I approached the final turn into the baseball stadium parking lot that hosted the finish area I repeated a few lines for/about Andria that made all my pain and frustration melt away.  

The final .2 are in a shoot with a right turn and approach to the finish.  As I enter the shoot I hear some dude shouting encouragement and saying 3:09 is within our grasp.  I realize he is the 3:10 pacer.  Just... Keep... Going...

Hundreds of spectators are lining the chute.  I see The Cobra cheering me on.  I see Andria and my youngest daughter and hear "GO DADDY!"  Only feet from the line I see Lochlyn, my oldest daughter, and hear my mom.  Suddenly my race is over.  3:09:20

I cannot tell you how hard I ran those final few hundred yards because I do not know.  I can not recall how I felt as I approached the finish line.  The cheers of the crowd propelled me forward.  And satisfaction is my reward.  As I move through the finishing area I bow my head low enough for a volunteer to place a medal around my neck.

The end of the race means that the pain in my calves I spent so long trying to suppress now have my full attention.  Walking is so painful, each step is an ordeal.  But unlike Chickamauga in November I never lay down.  I walk the long gated queue out of the finishing corral to join my family.  Time for water, bananas, oranges and whatever else I can find to eat.  The Grand Strand Running Club set up a tent with a massage therapist and beer keg.  Yay massage!  Yay beer!

 

My friend David Murphy posted to Facebook this update on his Voices In My Head page:

Some call him The UnaRunner.  Some call him Logan Hejl.  Now EVERYBODY will call him a Boston Qualifier.  WOOOOOOOOOOO!xBQ

Gotta love that...

While I did not meet all my goals in this race I am extremely happy with the result.  I gave my best effort and know where I need to focus in the future to make the necessary improvements.  The second half took twelve minutes longer than the first.  Need to work on lowering "the wall" just a bit.  I wondered about feeling embarrassed at publicly stating my ambitious goals then falling short.  But David said to keep having those "pie in the sky" goals.  I should keep putting myself out there.  Can't be awesome any other way.

Post script #1  So I will throw down the gauntlet for the next challenge here for all to read.  Since reading Born To Run and "friending" actual ultrarunners on Facebook and dailymile.com I have been bitten by the ultra marathon bug.  If I am able to resume training in short order and not break an ankle at the Rugged Maniac 5k on my birthday weekend next month I hope to participate in my first ultra.  The Lumberjack Endurance Run is calling my name and offers an opportunity to meet West Coast dailymilers.  It remains to be seen if I have the guts for the 50 miler, 100k or 100 miler.  I am so excited!

Post script #2  The overall winner was Kathleen Castles of New Providence, NJ.  With a finishing time of 2:40:11 she realized her goal of qualifying for the United States Olympic Trial.  Kathleen is the first female overall winner and set the female course record.  Good luck to her and all the other amazing athletes approaching 2012.

Post script #3  I have worn a HTFU bracelet since December of last year.  It was a gift from a great friend and inspiration, Farra Karsen, one of my sisters in running.  She gave the bracelet to me during a depressive time recently, when the cold and darkness of winter running threatened to crush my spirits.

I lost that bracelet some time early in the race, either in the starting area or once I pulled my shirt and gloves off in the first few miles.  From pictures Andria took I know it was gone by mile 6 .  I posted on Twitter that this bracelet is my most valued possession second only to my wedding ring.  The amazing thing is the the people at HTFU.com saw the tweet and are going to help me out.  Very awesome.

Post script #4  To explain how big 3:09:20 is, let me run the stats.  Of 1748 actual finishers, I crossed as number 45.  Forty-fifth out of one thousand seven hundred forty-eight.  HOLY HELL MAN!!!  Had I finished with a sub 3 hour time I would have finished at least twenty-first.  If this race went as planned I would have finished in the top eleven and within 15 minutes of the overall winner.  OH MY GOD!!!  In the age group division I placed seventh of 184 males aged 34-39.  I slashed forty-five minutes of my previous personal best.  I went from slogging through to a barely sub 4 hour marathon to a near miss of a sub 3 hour effort.  

There is still much work to do my friends.  Thanks for inspiring me...

The UnaRunner

yoU're Never Alone Running.

What is in a name?  Some people grant their children awesome names, like Logan (shameless, I know).  Other people give they children dumb or embarrassing names such as Apple, virtually guaranteeing a beating on the school playground.

Do not get me started on nicknames.  My dad worked at a chemical plant where every employee had a code name.  It was like GI Joe.  I have forgotten most of the names I knew those 20 years ago (worked there over the summers during college) but I do remember the nicknames my dad and I had.  Dad was a maintenance supervisor.  He is a man of few words, but when he speaks you should listen.  Because he was always "watching" what his men were doing, several of them took to calling him "Warden".  All he needs as a shotgun over his shoulder and they would swear they were on the chain gang.  So when I came along they immediately called me "Little Joe".  Think Bonanza.  No one ever called me by my given name.  (In fact my dad rarely talked to me on the job, which was fine.  We each had jobs to do.)  It was always "Little Joe."

So fast forward to last summer.  I just joined a local running group and was getting to know the personalities.  I recently started to regrow my beard for winter running.  One of the ladies stated that she did not care for facial hair.  I responded that that bit of information was all the more reason to let it grow.  In fact, if the beard got wild enough I might use to to intimidate other races in the coming months.  Anything for an edge.  Someone is the group said I resembled The UNABomber from several years ago.

Suddenly the "beard-hater" blurted out "unarunner".  And a truly great nickname was born.  Of course one has to cultivate a certain look to wear such a nickname.  This is months in the making.

I'm not in jail so I do look happier.  Yay me!

I got to thinking this morning that such a nickname can be cause for confusion.  My sister-in-law even asked recently why I would want to be named for such an infamous person in history.  No big deal really.  But still I got to thinking., 

Dailymile has taken much of my free time lately.  There are so many awesome people and incredibly touching stories that I struggle to reach everyone in my circle of friends.  I have had the great fortune to hear honest, sincere and tragic stories and am honored to be trusted with such intimate information.  Dailymile is such a great resource because whether you live in a runners' Mecca like New York, Chicago, Detroit or Portland, or reside in the wilderness far removed from other runners, there are always people waiting to reach out and offer whatever support you need.  All you have to do is post.

A dailymiler and facebook friend commented that I was a minor sensation on the site.  It embarrassed me slightly.   You might think I am becoming an attention whore.  But I believe this is far from the truth.  People do seem drawn to me.  Like me or hate me, I try not to bore you.

This friend said I had success in drawing people in because I managed to "brand" myself.  Most people on dailymile use their real name.  I used my real name for a few months as well.  While their are numerous Marks, Johns, Jessicas, and Jennifers, even a Farra and Farah, I'm not certain how many Logans reside here. The only other one I recall is a woman.  Haha, most 13 year old female soccer players were name Logan for a while.

Anyway, I reconsider the name "The UnaRunner".  UNABOM was the file name the FBI used in its investigation of the Unabomber.  The phrase stood for UNiversity and Airline BOMber.  Maybe I should consider what UnaRunner should represent.  Something beyond a resemblance of wildly unkempt facial hair.  This morning inspiration hit.

yoU're Not Alone in RUNing

So when you think that you are lost or confusing and unsure of where to turn just log on and post something.  Email one of your "friends".  Ask questions.  Someone will be there.  Because you are not alone.

A Little Stroll Through Recent Memories.

Treading on Butterflies

Butterflies have been constant companions of mine.  Not the cute yellow flutter bugs or the majestic Monarch, but rather the ones that hatch from cocoons deep in my stomach at just the moment I realize something may go horribly wrong.  The long walk to take a test for which I did not study.  The approach to ask a girl out on a date whom is out of my league.  Lining up for my first marathon with an uncertain ankle.  Peering over the precipice of a sheer granite face. (I realized this week I am not afraid of heights.  I am afraid of falling.  This perspective came to me when I considered why I dislike pull ups.  I am afraid of falling. Figure that one out.)

My butterflies swarm for numerous reasons.  Nerves.  Fear.  Uncertainty.  Anticipation of the unknown and all the perils that my twisted mind can imagine.  These feelings of dread or terror are usually borne of new love, loss of control at work, new and unprepared adventure or by simply moving outside one's comfort zone.

What does the presence of butterflies say about the sufferer?  How does the absence of said uneasiness also define someone?  Does a lack of butterflies bely an iron nerve, or boredom with the task at hand?

To me the nervousness and terror that accompany the swarm represents a fear of failure.  The dreaded "NO".  The unsurmountable obstacle.  The feeling of being "not good enough".  What I discovered is that by removing the opportunity to fail the butterflies are unable to take flight.

Am I advocating staying locked away and not trying to overcome my fears?  To the contrary, I am saying to examine what drives your fear and go the opposite direction.  Set your course to your own greatness.  Resolve that you will best that obstacle, but in your own way.  Smash through and scatter the butterflies to the winds.  If you cannot beat another runner, beat the clock.  If you are unable to go faster, go farther.  If you cannot go farther, at least go and drop any worries about how you look in the process.

When I first stepped into a 5k race ten months ago I was scared.  The first quarter mile was a nightmare.  My feet felt as if they belonged to another body.  I wondered whether I belonged in the front or whether I was more suited to the middle.  Maybe the back of the pack was more realistic.  I had no clue.

Was I fast enough?  Was I strong enough?  Hell, did I even look like a runner? (I hear these questions or self-criticisms online daily.  My thought - stuff it!  Get out there and do whatever you are capable of today.  Any result is one thousand percent better than what you could accomplish staying on the couch.)

I have a better idea of my capabilities now.  My nervousness has been supplanted by reassurance.  With each mile I feel more at home in my own skin.  With each run I feel more comfortable with my own sinew and bone.  And with each race I feel less afraid of what I was and more certain of what I am.  While butterflies once swarmed and flittered around my stomach they now tread under foot (or under VFF to be more precise).  Every step removes self-doubt.  Every stride puts distance between me and my insecurity.  My recent pacing may be due less to running from something but more to running toward something better.  Toward positive self-talk.  Toward appreciating my reflection in a mirror.  Toward breaking the  chains of self-restraint and achieving what I want or need in life.

I don't run to crush those loose butterflies under foot.  That would mean stomping through a run and stomping through life.  That leads to pain and discomfort both physical and emotional.  Rather I glide over those butterflies.  Hopping from one to another staying light and fluid so as not to kill them.  I may need the fretfulness to again remind me that some avenues are not worth exploring.  The swarm is a warning to stay clear of unnecessary dangers.

When I step out my door for a long run I am no longer anxious, except to get my legs churning.  When I step up to the starting line of a race I am no longer lost.  My only challenge is to be better than yesterday, in whatever way possible.

Do you hear the words coming out of my mouth???

Words have meaning.  Mention any topic in the current national political debate and you will see what I mean.  The audience will ascribe its own meaning or interpretation based upon the individual backgrounds or experiences of the audience members.  Once you say something you cannot take it back.  Once you type something anyone has opportunity to read and dissect and parse the words beyond their original intent. 

I am guilty of over analyzing some one's words.  I wrote a recent blog post about my jump to interpret another person's words to find greater meaning or context.  To be honest I did not ask the writer for clarification.  I made an assumption and ran with it.  I do not think I was far off the mark, but I have a different feeling on some of the remarks a few weeks later.

I'm at a different level of my training

The daily miler wrote of being at a different level of training than the "typical" DMer.  This may not be the huge insult I thought it was initially.  We all have different pursuits, motivations and goals.  It is rare to find two "athletes" with the same level of fitness, pace, desire, focus or determination.  And not everyone wants to run a marathon.  But we all want encouragement to keep trying.  My own wife has started running for fitness but has no desire (so she says) to run long or race.  I have to remember that "you" are not me.  Please understand that I am fine with that.  My training does not prevent me from acknowledging your effort or encouraging you along your path.

I have a lot on my plate - need to stay focused

Maybe not "a lot", but I have big goals for racing in 2011.  An online friend isn't big in public displays of resolutions or goal setting.  You can find my goals in print if you care to look but I'm not going to waste space here.  My point is that with time getting short I have to make some things happen.  I will share.  I enjoy taking people along for the ride.  If my posts motivate you or give you fuel for your own efforts then I am happy for you.  If my posts make you think I am showing off or being arrogant then either I have failed or you missed my point.  I have to accept that people will be turned off when they assume I have a "better than you" attitude.  My attitude is really grounded in the idea that I am not gifted.  I have no unique talents.  I have just made my way a little further down the road.

But this is what I hear from some people locked in their own struggles:

• I can't...
• My body won't let me...
• I'm not a...
• This is torture...

If you have said something above recently I'd like to know why.

I posted something last week to share how I feel when I run.  This has less to do with being fast than being joyful in the moment.  I really do not care what you do (just do something).  I really do not care how you do it (just do your best).  I really do not care how far or how fast you go (just do what you can however you can). The point of the video is to demonstrate how much joy and excitement running gives me.  I still struggle with pain.  I still struggle with fatigue.  I still combat emotional and mental demons.  But I am trying to transcend those demons to something better.

I cannot wait for race season to begin for me on February 5th.  Of course I look forward to competing and pursuing my limits of speed and endurance.  But what I am really anticipating is the opportunity to stand at the finish line and cheer on as many finishers as possible.  Now get out there and give me something to cheer!

The Face of Daily Mile

As seen on the daily mile community blog - Jan 18, 2011

When you look into the mirror what do you see?  The question is simple enough yet difficult to answer.

This question came to me as I discussed how to write this post with a friend today.  The subject of our chat was Daily Mile and why we “love” it so dearly.  We all have different reasons for using this website as evidenced by today’s #dailymission (Jan 12, 2011).  Some of the members use the site’s map feature.  Many of the members use the workout log to track all sorts of data including miles traveled and donuts “burned”.  While countless others, like me, use Daily Mile as a social network.  The connections created with other members and posts shared unrelated to exercise amongst us DMers give Daily Mile a life and energy I have not found anywhere else.  The friends I have here may not be “real” in the flesh-and-blood sense of my immediate family or people I encounter daily around town, but the population of Daily Mile is as real and true and open as any people I have ever met.

Someone asked me about the “faces” of Daily Mile. As if a blue ribbon committee were to chisel out the Mt Rushmore of Daily Mile who would make the cut? How do you decide from the thousands of people who populate this site? There are so many stories to consider. There are so many personalities to sift through and so many achievements great and small to recognize.

Picking one person would prove fruitless and probably cause more than a few arguments. Yet I think here is where the beauty of Daily Mile can be found. It has something for everyone, from the seasoned marathoner to the first-time jogger. Even walkers, swimmers, bikers and triathletes have a place here. All you need is a goal you find worthwhile, even if your goal is merely to get off the couch for 30 minutes.

I love how Daily Mile gives a voice to the masses. Each posted workout, note, photo or video is a window into someone's mind. Each post has the potential to reveal a fragment of the person. And these fragments may be pieced together to reveal a truly personal portrait. We present opportunities to laugh, cry, cheer, console, empathize and sit in awe of the human spirit.

Daily Mile is not about exercise alone.  And it has little to do with athletic achievement.  Whether Ben or Kelly realizes it, the mission of Daily Mile is to allow its members to discover themselves and to love themselves.  It enables each of us to see us as we are and to reveal the potential locked within.

After I wrote about my “Prediction Run” on New Year’s Day a reader commented on my blog.  She said that while I often remark on my old self-image as a turtle she sees her “future self”.  She sees in me someone full of confidence and enthusiasm and desire.  She wants to “be” that person.  Her comment reminded me that perspective is powerful.  How we want to see ourselves often sets our course.

The acknowledgement is that life is not always rosy or perfect. Not every run is the planned length or projected pace. Not every workout is pain free or effortless. “Real life” often creeps in and slows us down. Even I wonder at times if that next run means anything. Shouldn't I be doing something more productive with my time and energy? Running does not pay bills. Running does not cook dinner or sort the laundry or get the kids ready for school in the morning. What running does give me is a glimpse into my soul. It provides me with peace of mind no drug can replicate. It is more therapeutic than any session in counseling. Running is my safety valve.

You can succumb to the pressure and give up on your dreams or you can be epic in your goals and ambitions.

What my time on this site has revealed is there is no “face” of Daily Mile.  When I look in the mirror I see myself of course.  I see what I have become through my sweat and toil and efforts in the heat of summer and dead of winter.  I also see what I once was (and maybe still am in some recesses of my mind) and understand that this process is not a solitary one.  Daily Mile is not just about logging workouts or socializing with like-minded people from various points on a map.  It is about unlocking your potential and learning to love yourself. 

There is no single “voice” of Daily Mile.

The common thread of Daily Mile is HEART.

Heart cannot be measured in miles or pace times or race victories. Heart is measured by how much is given in setting and reaching otherwise impossible goals. Heart is measured by the ferocity of the fighter. And after this week there is no underestimating the fight within the Daily Miler.

We fall so that we learn to get up. We struggle so that we learn to overcome. We fail so that we learn to succeed.

I asked one of my dearest friends this afternoon what she sees when she looks in the mirror.  I wanted her to consider what part of her enables her to love herself.  There was no prodding or direction given on my part.  Her answer was that she loves how she does not give up pursuing what she wants; what she deems worthwhile. 

So when you look in the mirror do you see something worthwhile?  I ask because when I consider the face of Daily Mile, I see you.

At the end of the day my mama told me don't let no one break me.
At the end of the day nobody ever could stop me.
At the end of the day you can't regret it if you were trying.
At the end of the day I'm walking with the heart of a lion.

     -Kid Cudi, Heart of a Lion